Midwives : I Have Fucked Everything Up Right Proper

Gather round, scamps and travellers – and hear my tale. Hear about what happens when you allow unapologetic incompetents to flail unchecked in the offices of our land. My own tale begins innocently enough, with a simple lapse in organisation, followed by a profound disinclination to “do anything about it”, in the spirit of “oh God, do I have to, hmph”.
If I was a mechanic, my customers’ bonnets would flip up, tear off, and shear through a cyclist’s torso. If I was a tailor, my range of bespoke suits would cause a lingering melancholy and laziness that would – eventually – lead to the cessation of all human reproduction. It’s what I do. I do things badly, and people always suffer like you wouldn’t believe.
This is why I limit myself to admin jobs; it’s the same everyday consideration that makes modern Gorgons train their hair not to hiss at the cinema. What possible harm could I do in a menial admin job? Well, I’ll fucking tell you. I forgot to photocopy the study guides for Midwifery Pragmatism.
Now I didn’t realise they had to be taught this; I thought midwives were going to be pretty pragmatic by default. I mean it’s pretty down-to-earth and real stuff, running around saying “shit, a baby – get it the fuck out of that woman before it eats her hole” and “no way, another baby – do you want me to pull it out underwater?”.

not pragmatic enough just about right re: pragmatism too pragmatic really
“I’m not convinced this is a baby, and even if it is I think it’d be better if we all went bowling” “Come on chaps, let’s get this baby out. Also next time we should consider being further away from the window, or maybe not point her fanny at the window.” “Let’s smash their heads in, they’ll only die anyway”.

What I’m saying it that pragmatism is essential to midwifery. Too little, too much, and babies start dying. And now, thanks to me, a generation of totally fucking impractical midwives have been unleashed. I mean, shit! I’ve started a midwifery timebomb!

By 2007, these people will be delivering their first babies. The midwives – I say midwives, by now they’re just baby-killing machines – will be taking the expectant mothers to Alton Towers. Then, when the mothers go on the nice swan boats they start shouting “BOOOORING LET’S GO ON OBLIVION”.


By 2008, caretakers at the Obvlion will have to unsnag the umbilical cords from the frame, so that other customers don’t get smashed in the face with a 60mph toddler. They’ll become really immune to infant mortality, and it’s my fault. Their wives will say “why aren’t you gasping, there’s all manner of infant mortality on the television, and some is particularly excellent” and the man will say “my daily life is now a catalogue of human remains and unrealised potential, thanks to Log“.
Well, I’ll tell you what. I’m not hanging around for the fallout. I’m fucking OUT of here. On Friday, when my contract ends. I just hope to God that I’m out of here before the carnage starts, and the blood starts flowing.

Trowels and Eggcups

This is totally like I’ve fucked up the Bible.

PS : Apologies go to Neon Kelly (mydeaddog in the comments), the winner of January’s competition, for the delay in his prize sponsorship deal taking effect – I’ve just been a very busy lady (I’m a boy actually, giggle!) and haven’t got around to it yet. In the meantime, Neon, happy Valentine’s Day, and know that I love you harder and faster than I love Kettle Chips (ie really hard and damn fast idst).

13 thoughts on “Midwives : I Have Fucked Everything Up Right Proper”

  1. I like the idea of impractical midwives.
    “I forgot the forceps. Let’s use a trowel and an eggcup!”
    It’s time we put the fun back into appalling medical negligence.

  2. I can already see – in my mind’s eye, of course – hordes of impatient midwives jumping up and down on expectant mothers’ abdomens in an effort to speed up the whole birthing process. And about time too – it takes fucking AGES at the moment.

  3. I can’t tell whether that sounded really wise, or whether you’re recommending idealism to the point of fanny baptisms. How idealistic should birth be?
    1 = TOTALLY IDEALISTIC (virgin births)
    2 = MAINLY IDEALISTIC (no painkillers, whore, the pain’s there as a reminder of your sin)
    3 = EQUALLY IDEALISTIC AND PRAGMATIC (kinda hard to summarise is parody form)
    4 = MAINLY PRAGMATIC (let’s get the baby out and do try not to drop it)
    5 = TOTALLY PRAGMATIC (well the world’s fucked anyway, it’d save a lot of bother if I did drop it)

  4. I went out with a midwife, years ago.
    She was lovely but crackers and I wouldn’t have trusted her to deliver a letter, never mind a baby.
    That is my midwife anecdote.

  5. Are midwives dirty like nurses?
    I’ll bet they’re as broody as anything having to drag babies out of mummies’ tum-tums all day. That means they’re probably up for anything except up-the-bum and gobbling because that would mean wasting precious baby-batter. Either that or they hate the idea of childbirth so much after seeing women’s axe wounds getting split b y trying to pass a head the size of a bowling ball through it. In which case they’ve either become a lesbian or don’t do vanilla.
    In either case, I’ve got a semi-on and need closure.

  6. “I bet they’ve been shat on by more women than you’ve had hot lunches.”
    Nice double-whammy there, I’d post a drumkit but I can’t arsed.
    My Nan used to think that babies came from kettles because the midwife would ask for hot water and towels when her mum went into labour. Bless her thick-as-shit cottons.

  7. I can confirm that:
    Student Midwives are the most fucked up.
    Otherwise they are all emof ucktards
    I’d sooner listen to real peoples problems than this bunch of internalised, dippy, fanny hugging, knobgobbling dickheads.
    Here is the trick to avoiding them. In almost any profession, unity is upheld in equal amounts to ability. In Midwifery, the feminist bit kicks in a little, worsened by an inner or subconscious knowldege that attempts to protect fellow members from the fact that they are emotionally fucked up in a big way.
    If you wish to date a MW. Be warned it is not pretty.


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