So we all know about the basic Hanky Code, right? It’s the failsafe method that gay men use to find a husband. If you’re straight, here’s is how it works:
1. Choose the colour that represents the thing you like.
2. If you like doing it, but the hanky in your back left pocket. If you like having it done to you, put it in your back right pocket.
3. Go to a gay bar. Press your bum against the bum of a man you find superficially appealing. If two similarly-coloured hankies meet, a small klaxon will sound. Stay perfectly still and a pride march will begin to happen.
It was invented in the 1920s, when web design looked like this, and we’ve invented loads of sex since then: so here’s the July 2009 update, which you can print out and insert into your gay manuals immediately.
| Colour | Left Pocket | Right Pocket |
| Steaming Ash | Doesn’t Like People Who Get Too Close | Is Trapped In A Cellar |
| Windows 3.1 Basic 16 Colour Palette | Despises the hanky code | Enjoys unsophisticated irony |
| Bunsen Flame | Enjoys comparing non-sexual violations to rape because it feels edgy | Recent victim of armed robbery but not rape |
| Embroidered Egg | Virgin | Clumsy |
| Rusty Battleship | Loves it when you do that thing | Will do that thing without getting embarrassed and saying “I can’t do it on demand, stop it” |
| #E248FA | Violent sociopath seeking the appearance of a normal life while the killings continue | When the evidence mounts, would rather confront his partner directly and in private than go to the police. |
| Conchineal & Mustard | Is who he is and people better deal with that, because he says how he sees it, and doesn’t see any reason to apologise for that | Has none of the five human senses |
| Underwater Level | Has a torso shaped like a vase | Enjoys tesselating his own and a friend’s face against a torso |
| Fox’s Glacier Mint | Smells powerfully of aniseed | Doesn’t get jealous when dogs pay more attention to partner |
| Pinot Blush | Really enjoys having sex with men | Goes convincingly through the motions |
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