Hurray for IGN, who bravely let a genuinely gay member of staff write an article which questioned the sexuality of a cartoon dinosaur. It was received with considerable negativity, so I’m writing this out of a sense of massive gay solidarity.
In the abscence of openly gay gaming characters, video game culture is playing catch-up with wider society. So, until 10% of all video game plots include a scene where gay characters triumph over a homophobic mini-boss before going on to murder everyone who bullied them, we’re basically stuck in the 80s. And what did we gay people do in the 80s to push sexual diversity forward to the point where Suede could exist? We outed people!
Think of me as your gay mechanic on this voyage of gaming sexuality. And for those of you frail bendy woofters who have no idea what a mechanic is or does because it doesn’t involve cupping a pair of balls, remember: Kylie Minogue played one, in Neighbours! They basically get oily and carry tyres and babies around. Or, to put it in terms that gay people can really understand, it’s like anal sex – but with cars.
Think of me as a fat hairdresser, letting my dick and nuts press against your arm while I talk about the weather. I’m gaying you up, and you love it. Don’t complain – that’s just showing how repressed you are. The more you complain, the more you love it. In fact the only way to not come out of this looking really gay is to prove you’re comfortable enough in your heterosexuality to let me ejaculate onto your shins.
Please let me ejaculate onto your shins
CASE 1. JIM RAYNOR
Woo! I wouldn’t say no to this greasy slab of hunkpapa! I’d certainly be pro-tossing HIM off, if you know what I mean (I mean I’d like to masturbate him). I’d definitely let him “terran” new one for me, by which I think I mean I’d let him have sex with a wound. But lets consider the evidence:
He is frequently seen smoking a cigar and wearing a helmet. Could he be any more blatant? All you have to do is replace cigar with DICK, and draw spunk marks on the helmet visor, and you’ve got a pretty compelling case for the prosecution.
Calm down Jim! Whew! That guy is SPUNK-CRAZY
What other evidence do we have?
1. Raynor rhymes with Gaynor
2. His girlfriend got turned into a monster, maybe because she saw him bumming in the showers
3. I really want him to be gay because I fancy him so much and it makes wanking more exciting if you could realistically imagine him saying “yeah let’s do it – but I must warn you I’m extremely into you in a way I’ve never felt before” with his big hands all over you
VERDICT: DEFINITELY GAY PLEASE
CASE TWO: DUKE NUKEM
Yeah I mean he’s probably gay, something about hypermasculinity and denial, something something. Oof. I can’t actually do this. What’s next? Something about how Tingle is a bit fruity? How can anyone write this fatuous shit without jamming pencils into their tear ducts?
No, seriously. How do you do it? It seems like a valuable skill
Magnificent.
Thank God for developments in graphics – it must have been a joyless and deeply unerotic ordeal wanking over Horace from Horace Goes Skiing.
I always thought Horace from the spectrum games was gay. I think Horace Goes Cottaging was the giveaway. Gameplay involved guiding a nonchalantly whistling Horace down a big hill and into a “cottage” with the Q and W buttons – all in time to an 8-bit rendition of “Its Raining Men”. Inside you had to jump up and down to smash all the lightbulbs whilst dodging cherries being fired at you by a badly rendered crocodile in a policeman’s uniform. If you smashed all the bulbs a rainbow coloured watchqueen came on the screen and gave you a vial of spunk.