CAN’T BE BOTHERED TRANSCRIBING THIS INTERVIEW WITH THE OWNER OF BIG BOYS. CAN YOU USE AI TO GET THE WORDS OUT, MAUREEN? THEN JUST POST THAT. POST THESE INSTRUCTIONS TOO IDC
Hello there! You’re early. Come in. Come into Big Boys.
Here’s the door. Come in. Push the doors. There you go.
I know, there’s a little bit of resistance there. That’s actually normal. If you don’t have the strength in your arms or a low enough centre of gravirty, you can just lean against it. Use your body weight. You’ll eventually drop through.
There you go. Now just slither your ankles in. Don’t worry about shutting it. Our doors have got these little springs on them. They pop back shut once you’re through. I’d like to say that was my idea, that I invented it. But a fireman came around and made me put them on. It’s actually quite common. You’re probably not here for them, are you.
Now. Right then. Hold on.
Big Boys is a lovely pub for nice Big Boys. Now come on, look around here. We’ve got two rooms on the ground floor. One is bigger than the other, but that doesn’t mean we let smaller boys in the smaller room. It just means you can’t get quite as many big boys in. It’s maths really. Or physics. Physics is to maths, as big boys are to… boys. That’s what I always say.
Over there – there’s our pool table. Pretty standard stuff, but take a look – There is a nice big duvet tucked underneath it in case some of my bigger boys get sleepy. Have you ever tried picking up a sleepy big boy? You might as well smash up a jelly with a tennis racquet then tell your mum to sort it out. It’s not gonna happen, even if you make her spend all night on it while you lick the tennis racquet like a big lollipop
Ey! Ey ey ey! Don’t touch the walls. They’re made out of that circus paper that tigers jump through. That’s because Later on, some of the big boys like to have a run around. You’d be surprised how energetic they get after a couple of energy drinks. And… well, I don’t like to encourage stereotypes, but those big boys, they tend to burst through stuff for the sheer spectacle of it.
It came to a head last night, when we had two big boys try to jump through the same wall at the sime time, but from opposite sides. You’ve never heard such a big doyoyoing sound. Scared us all witless. Barry nearly dropped his Sugar Free Boost.
Ideally, we’d have a two lane system with a dual carriageway for big boys. But we’re not big enough for that, so for now I’ve had to put up signs like this one that enforce a strict clockwise only policy for big boys who want to run through paper walls.
Eyo! What’s that staircase doing there? I’ve not seen that before. What mysteries await in the Cellar of the Big Boys? Follow me!
Oooh! How curious. There is a dead big boy in the middle of the room. And look! There is a note attached to the body. It has got a bit of writing on it.
“Big Boy Barry put on the cologne his big boyfriend gave him for his birthday for the first time. Then he went to work, and was immediately killed. How did Big Boy Barry die?”
Can you, man from Time Out, help me solve this lateral thinking crime against big boys?
Go on, have a guess. Go on. Nothing? I suppose you can think up a couple of guesses later, and put them in the review later. I bet you lot do that all the time, don’t you? Make yourselves look clever “in post”.
Well I’ll put you out of your misery, because this is beginning to feel like we’re making light of a tragic death in the big boy community. The solution of this lateral thinking puzzle, that was originally reported in “Brain Food: Realistic Lateral Thinking Puzzles” runs THUS:
Big Boy Barry was a Big Beekeeper, and according to this website, right, Big Bees don’t sting you if they recognise your smell. I’d never heard of that before. And it turns out they do sting you, to death no less, if you turn up to their hive smelling of bummer’s perfume.
If that is true, if it IS true that bees sting you to death if you swan up to their house drenched in a shock Givenchy, well… you’d think an experienced Beekeeper like Barry would know about that, wouldn’t you?
Oh, I see where you’re going with this. You’re thinking Barry, a renowned bee billionaire and bouncing philanthropist would definitely have been aware of this, and would never have worn a new cologne without warning the bees. By, say, spraying a bit in the beehives first and shouting “that’s what I smell like now, so cool your fuckin’ engines lads”.
So you’re taking this one step further. You think I, Zim Borgogne, am the boyfriend in question. And you’re saying I serruptitiously swapped his cologne for a new brand, so that he would get stang to bits, and I would inherit a billion bees?
I’ve never been so insulted in my life!
However.
You’re right! I gots to get my hands on those big juicy bees! I wanna suck on their stingers and pinch their abdomens until the sweet sweet honey pops out! I murdered Big Boy Barry, and I’d do it again every day of the year if I got to drink a billion bees’ guts up through their stingers like a milkshake!
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you interfering nightlife correspondants!
You’re here from Time Out, right? Can you leave that bit out of the review? Come on, we’ve got trampolines out the back, do you want to come and look at some big boys on trampolines? It’s really funny. Most of them don’t even bother bending their legs. That’s because Big Boys don’t like jumping – they just like to look down and observe the impact they’re making on their terrain. It’s like they’re all about to slip into a wormhole. So beautiful.
That’s it really. We’ve got oily windows that you can slap your body against if you see a passer-by. We’ve got toilets that carry you around on a skytrak. If you want to come down on Thursdays it’s Northern Soul night, although to be honest I’m not sure the DJ knows what Northern Soul is, as he just plays Weezer all night.
I’ve done one of those quizzes for you if you need something for a sidebar. That was always the worst thing when I worked in magazines. All the boxouts, sidebars and captions. Murder.
Big Boy Quiz: Are You A Big Boy
What is the motto of every big boy?
a) Who’s a big boy? You are. Yes you are. You’re a big boy
b) Bigga de bigga de bong
c) One for all, all for big boys, yes I am “all for big boys”, who are you
What time to big boys come out to play
a) When the moon is ripe and wet with honey
b) When the sap of the sycamore tree meets the stinger of the bee
c) After two cans of EuroShopper 35p energy drink
What does a big boy like for dinner
a) A hillock of scran
b) A tureen filled with glistening lumps
c) He doesn’t know, because his eyeballs go misty in the feeding paddock
Big Boys
a) Live to love, and love to die
b) Need to be put outside every now and then
c) Are surprisingly nimble even if their ankles sometimes crack
If you answered mostly B’s, then know this: I will get my hands on Big Boy Barry’s billions a beeeees, you see if I don’t!
Don’t put that in either. Put this bit in though, where I turn around and point at the camera and say:
“Come to Big Boys in Stoke on Trent, where I, Zim Bam Bimgoye, will sling gravy up your jacket and throw you to the Big Boys.”