Log 1. Click on the image above, which is a link to a legible version of it. 2. Print the menu out, and take it to any of the family-friendly pub food chains. 3. Demand any of the items on your menu at the bar. Remember to make a note of your table number. 4. When … Read more
FACE 9: THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME Now, you have won my trust. I’m going to give you a tiny box. I want you to take this box into a mysterious cave, and place it on a dais, or plinth. If you are there at the prescribed time, a shaft of sunlight will enter … Read more
Russell sits in his chair. He looks around, whistling, and takes a sip out of his coffee. He smacks his lips a couple of times, and looks confused. He points his finger into the air, before flying it around like an aeroplane, and bringing it down on his intercom button. PA TO MR RUSSELL T … Read more
Can anyone beat my black, homeless dwarf for a minority super-niche? I found him outside Elephant & Castle station, and because I’m such an amazing minority myself – it ain’t easy bein’ this pretty, you jealous bitches – I knew we’d get along. We talked about how much money the council threw at us, the … Read more
FACE 1: YES, I’M JIMMY CARR You’ve got me, governor – I’m the Jimmy Carr you’re looking for. How did you find me on top of this vibrating neon podium? Sorry I couldn’t bring myself to reduce the word “governor” to “guv’nor”, by the way. The thing is, I’m not a moronic commoner who drops … Read more
Although this conversation isn’t a true Tale of the Smear, it’s amazing how an accusation levelled at my work colleague and superior, Will Porter, that his “bum smelled of bum” and that he “pisses on bums” could lead, eventually, to a small story about his dad walking in on him while he did a shit … Read more
Remember that cunt, Francis Gilbert? It’s from the time when I regularly posted, and people commented. From when I was a contender. FRANCIS GILBERT POSTS Francis Gilbert vs Law of the Playground Francis Gilbert’s Real-Life Actual Blog At the time, it prompted me to start a spoof Gilbert website, which quickly became “a lot of … Read more
Have you heard about the new game that is being made? I don’t suppose you have, because the magazine article I wrote in PC Zone isn’t out yet, and it’s not like there’s any more immediate ways of getting information these days. The new game is so exciting – if you’re Korean – that it’s … Read more
SCENE ONE: THE SpaceCAT OFFICES LINDA: This week’s orphans are being delivered! I’ve been looking through the pictures, too. Some of them look agonisingly hard-done-to. [Linda licks her lips] STEVE: This one’s my favourite. He looks like he’s he’s been punched for something that he’s quietly and convincingly explained that he didn’t do. [Steve drops … Read more