Law of the Playground : A Typical Hour's Editing

If you’re here, chances are you’ll have been to the Law of the Playground, and you’ll obviously have bought the book. You’ll have marvelled at the highly-polished and consistently hilarious entries, and gone “awoo” at the adorably frank tales of mental and genital mutilation. I’ve let my backlog of submissions grow again – this is … Read more

Video : Intimate Surgery

I’ve made something. It’s video, so if clicksy doesn’t work, do that right-click “Save As” thing. Please look at it. (wmv, 1.4Mb – I tried to do a .mov but it was only 2k and didn’t work. Rasp.)

Working With Nurses

I have just watched someone throw away a video that is shown to registered nurses, informing them how to perform a cervical smear. They threw it away because new guidelines have been issued. I must see this video. Not only will it contain hot fanny spatula action guaranteed, but it will contain out-of-date hot fanny … Read more

Men! Tchoch! Get Me Started!

Men! What a bunch of fuckers we are. We sit there, in our armchairs (armthrones, more like), drinking malt whiskies and thumping our fists on the table until boiled hams fly into our mouths, as if by magic. Only it’s not magic, is it girls? No! It’s your tireless work that keeps the whisky flowing, … Read more

Young Man, You Are Damned Forever

Walking along the road, I found a crumpled piece of paper hugging the railings. I’m curious, and like finding things, so I picked it up. What I found outraged me on so many levels that I quite literally fell over and refused to move for three days. Here, look. It doesn’t take much intelligence to … Read more

Talking To People You Fancy

THE CONVERSATION “Hello.” “Hi.” “This is my boyfriend.” “Your ex-boyfriend?” “No. My boyfriend.” “Oh. Hope you’re happy together!” When you find someone sexually attractive, it’s only right that you imagine having sex with them. You mentally undress them, you look at their trousers and imagine an eighteen thousand inch penis with a ghostly beckoning finger … Read more

Kiss My Eyes, Will You?

There’s so many things I’m willing to do in the name of sex. That’s not to say I’m an innovator, far from it. I’m more of a “whatever you say” participant, who pulls away from a grubby clinch to frown at an imaginary audience. That audience knows what I’m going through, poking and nudging every … Read more