Here, taste this - it's really got lime in it. Has someone been buying me lager and lime? Because I am a big black man, and big black men do not drink lager and lime. I don't know what we do drink, my stereotypes are not that well defined, but speaking as a big black man I am damn-arsed shittering sure that I am not supposed to be drinking lager and lime. Guinness, perhaps.

Right, where was I? So, there was this girl. And I was - let's see - yes, that's right. I was shagging her tiny fucking mind right out of her ears. She was really enjoying it. I've developed a sixth sense for this sort of thing. I could tell she was having a really good time, because she wasn't saying all that much. In my experience, no news is good news, when you're making sex.

So, this lady - I call her a lady, but she was more of a prostitute - said "play with us tits". Ignoring her frankly quite common dialect, I proceded to play tennis with her tits, all around the fucking room. Dirty girl, make them hurt good, as my good friend Bill Cosby always says. Bill Cosby - he's actually a white person dressed up in black. He's trying to bring us down from the inside.

She only put a finger up my bloody arse! I didn't know what was happening; one minute I was merrily giving her überbollocks a loving punch, and the next, her dialling finger was up my jacksy as though it was foraging for nuts and berries. Tagnuts and dangleberries, perhaps. But you know what it's like, I'm sure. I bobbed all over her hand. I told her, if you think I'm paying for this, I'm going to have words with your pimp. Anyway, it only turned out that I'm her pimp. Talk about luck!