I was immensely swayed by the argument that we are living in a computer simulation of a past world, as robot octupus use our bodies as batteries. I should imagine that they use one human for something like a remote control, and they'd need two humans - one giving the other a piggy back - for a digital camera. Those things go through humans like nobodies business!

You know when fifteen people ride one motorbike in those old film clips? No-one does that anymore, do they? Not true - we have to do it to power street lighting systems. And we're all doing it right now.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. It's perhaps the only thing that does make sense in this crazy little planet.

I am not convinced. It is my belief that an animal has taken over, and is running the government without us knowing it. I thought, to begin with, that it might be ants; but that's a bit of a cliché, isn't it? And how would they operate us? They'd need cranes, or something, and we'd notice cranes, even if they were little ant cranes. Then, I thought earwigs - they could crawl inside our ears, and whisper instructions to us. But then, earwigs don't live in ears, do they? Do they?

I dunno, it's not ants or earwigs, perhaps it's ducks. Or worms. Worms could move us my making ripples in the ground underneath us. Like that horse racing game, Totopoly. There's bits in your feet that relate to every part of your body, aren't there? Therefore, an exceptionally well-trained worm could operate us like a big Nookie The Bear. Eerie thought.

Oh, right. It's always animals and computers, isn't it? I reckon that it's aliens. Aliens that first visited us 2,000 years ago walk amongst us, in Egyptian clothes, and them little, frilly... pom poms. On their wrists.

I suppose they'd have to use mind control. They can do that, can't they? That fit woman off Star Trek. She could walk around going "ooh, I sense an infinite pain in this kettle - an ancient yearning", and make us do things we didn't want, by flashing a tit and making us think if we did do it she'd give us a feel.

Can we see the aliens? I dunno. They could be glass, I suppose. No, hang on, then we woudln't be able to see their tits, unless they painted one, but that'd just be fucked up, one tit floating around the place, and if they painted their whole body, there'd be no point being invisible in the first place.

No, I don't think this is working.

Bollocks. Fucking pasta. Fucking hate the stuff. I used to have pasta; no more. I'm not going back there. Gotta move forwards, in this life. No point looking back, remembering what you've lost. Fucking bitch never even said goodbye. I make a brilliant pizza. I used to make them every Saturday morning. I don't do it anymore. There's no point, is there? I phoned the lad up this morning. Told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore. Bastard hung up on me - I hadn't even finished. He's forgotten where he came from. I bought a guitar last week. Fuck knows what I'm going to do with it - I can only play all the strings at once. Captain Beefheart is the only musician left. The russian MiGs had valves in them - weren't fucked by the explosions, see? No flies on the russkies, except that it's all fucked up over there, isn't it. They're all drunk or controlling our weather.

It's the Russians who are controlling us - sending balloons full of weather up into the sky, and sending them over here, and getting spies to shoot the balloons over Westminster with flaming bows and arrows. Fuckers.

Pint of whatever's cheapest. Do you do cheap doubles?