Mr Paulo Kwakwentus woke up on a Saturday morning just like any other, only to find his wife Melinda painting on the walls of their bedroom with handfuls of her own shit. When he asked her what she was doing, she became introspective and wailed about the loss of her grandchildren. "I knew something was wrong," laughed Kwakentus, "because we don't have any grandchildren. All of our adopted babies died after I threw them out the window. I buried them all myself without telling the police. Laura wasn't even dead - just broken - but I buried her anyway." Paulo and Melinda Kwakentus - every town has a house like 'em!

Newcastle, England. Abused teenager Peter Wacaday found himself under assault in broad daylight - from his own wildly flailing arms! "I felt this sharp pain around my face," said Peter, "and when I looked down I was really laying into myself. Giving it some. I was really at it." Peter says that that the attack came about after a relatively normal train of thought turned to his sister. "I was a big sperm, shooting a gun up her ladyhood. I deserved a good beating. If anyone else had thought about being a sperm and shooting a gun up my sister's isosceles minge vagina, they would have got the same treatment."

After his early release from prison, simple-minded but powerfully built Poppersex Sifuentes was soon up to his old tricks! What should have been a pleasurable visit to a prostitute developed quickly into grisly murder. It seems Mr Sifuentes' old preoccupation with pulling whores' guts out their arses returned just after he failed to reach climax. Neighbours phoned the police after an abnormally long squeal from the house, but by the time they had arrived Mr Sifuentes was sorting through her entrails and shit, trying to find order in the chaos he had made. "I just want to know how they work, is all," he told his arresting officer.

If you thought you had it tough, consider the plight of poor obsessive-compulsive Rudyard Glitter. Rudyard cannot step on pavement cracks, and has to do a complete circle of manhole covers before he can progress along the pavement. He also has to hold his breath if he is walking past his own reflection, and cannot go into shops if the name adds up to a multiple of 13, if you replace each letter with a number (A=1, Z=26) and total the numbers. He has to hold his nose when crossing the road, and believes that his skin is tightening. He pulls at his skin until it bursts - and although he knows this will eventually kill him, he does not want to stop. If that doesn't make you feel better about yourself, he's HIV positive!

Ever thought that you could get kicks showing your cock to a baby fox? Neither do the vast majority of the millions of people in this country. However, that's the only way crazy dutchman Péron Flex brings himself to erection. "They have such curious loving eyes, but they are so wary and quick to bolt. My love for baby foxes is truly a two edged sword." So, has Péron ever caught a fox and fucked it? Perhaps to death? He answers with a sigh. "No, the foxes like to look at your erection but they are wary of sexual intercourse. I understand how they feel. I found a dead fox, so I could have fucked that, but it is only erotic when they are alive."

And finally, a desperate plea goes out from the family of a man who has escaped from between the walls in their house. "He doesn't understand people, or their ways," said a concerned mother. "He hasn't had a chance to integrate socially, what with being locked between the walls of our house. He jumps on shafts of sunlight." The man should be easy to recognise. His skin is a brilliant white, and he cannot speak. "He becomes excited when around things he can eat," said his father. "I'm real worried he might go into a supermarket. That sort of thing might blow his mind right out of his ears. The distinction between foods and non-foods may blur. That would be very messy."