Nature's
Periscope Put To News Use
today
: scrambling to avoid comparisons to everything else that brings you news
that isn't really true
New
Law Protects War Criminals From Embarrassing Panda Attacks
Legislation passed this
week allows known war criminals to obtain injunctions against pandas
who have been persistently stalking them. Genocidal murderers fear that
humanitarian groups are training pandas to publicly embarrass them, and
make people point and put the other hand over their mouth to stifle a laugh.
The matter was brought to the public eye when a lady panda dressed with
a ribbon in her hair walked very closely in front of Ratko Mladic, and
then suddenly stopped - ostensibly to tie her shoelaces. As a result, Ratko,
who was distracted by a conversation with his best friend Radovan Karadzic,
walked into her rear - as a representative from Amnesty International took
photographs. The resulting headlines in the English tabloid press, which
inferred a sexual interest in the panda on the part of the president ("Randy
Ratko Panda Poker"), upset the Serb commander very much, and he is
said to have snapped a pencil when he saw the press.
"I do not find pandas attractive,"
asserted Mladic, "and I would like to wipe them all off the face of this
big ol' crazy planet we call Earth, forever."
New
Big Japanese Men Used For Fighting
The Japanese Army is
hoping to benefit from big new versions of themselves, created by the addition
of flesh to reflections from bent mirrors. The mirrors have to be coated
in diamond dust in order to create the glittering high resolution reflections
required, and the lasers used as carriers beams for the flesh input are
so powerful that they could power a windmill for five thousand years
- well into the next millenium.
The new soldiers measure
about 6'4" tall. Some prototypes reached a height of 7'6", but at this
height the soldiers were kind of see-through, and prone to leaking out
of their skins, which were made out of the pig's intestine, like big sausages.
Brought to life by a slow
shallow-fry process, the body temperature must be kept between 72 and 74
degrees Fahrenheit - and lower and they cannot move and begin to smell,
any higher and they spectacularly explode. This ability may lead to their
being used as kamikaze soldiers, but it may prove to be less economical
with manpower - it takes three regular soldiers to provide enough flesh
to make one super-soldier!
Square
Wheeled Bicycle Required by Man Stuck On Stairs
A man stuck half-way
up (or down) a flight of steps has put out a desperate plea for a square-wheeled
bicycle. Jordan Finch, 38, has been stuck on a small plateau area between
flights for fifteen minutes, and is beginning to get thirsty. "I just can't
see any other way out of this infernal pickle - obviously a regular bicycle
won't help, as they are designed for smooth terrain." Jordan is being kept
calm by a security guard with a loudhailer at the bottom of the stairs,
who has thrown up a Mars Bars, but only has Apple Tango, which Jordan doesn't
like much. When asked how he got into his current position without the
aid of a square-wheeled bicycle. Mr Finch became evasive, and made suggestions
that he had been put there by the dark forces of a forgotten realm.
As plans at the local Raleigh
factory are drawn up for a suitable bicycle, local clowns are being asked
if they know of such a contraption. Meanwhile, Jordan Finch resigns himself
to bedding down for the night, and has asked for the security guard to
keep an eye out for ninjas dribbling poison into his mouth along a wire
dangled from the ceiling.
Candle
In Wind Metaphor Ruined By Novelty Relighting Candle
"Candle In The Wind",
the incredibly moving song written by Bernie Taupin and Elton John, is
in jeopardy every time someone buys a packet of novelty relighting candles.
Originally dedicated to Marilyn Mansun, the song was tastefully rewritten
in an hour to celebrate the unpunished manslaughter of Princess Diana in
1997.
"It makes a nonsense of the
lyrics, and I took ages over them so that they rhymed," complained Taupin.
"It sort of implies that Marilyn and Princess Diana both died for about
three seconds and then came back to life, which just isn't the case at
all."
Even normal candles, however,
can be lit again, although this analogy implies some arcane voodoo ceremony
of resurrection. The novelty candle metaphor, however, is more like Terminator
walking through a hail of bullets, falling over, then getting up again,
targets still set on his quarry. It is this image that Mr Taupin deems
unfitting for the memory of Princess Diana. "She was not a robot. She was
a beautiful human princess."
Local
Fat Lady Sings - No-One Sure What's Over
Hagley, Stourbridge.
A fat woman singing caused alarm, yesterday afternoon, when nothing tangible
ended. Fears that something more sinister had ended - or even worse, that
the end of something had merely begun - are rife in Harberrow Close. Margaret
Short, an overweight housewife, took the time out from eating three quarters
of the food she was preparing for her family to sing along to the theme
tune of Home & Away.
Thelma Hayes has asserted
that fat lady song is one of the seven portents of the apocalypse. Either
the fourth or the fifth, she isn't really sure, but it's somewhere near
the middle. A more mundane explanation was offered by Alex Patterson who
said that he stopped mowing the lawn to see who was singing - so the singing
may have heralded the end of his gardening.
This brings up an ugly theoretical
argument. Can the fat lady singing legitimately cause the end of
the event that it is designed to merely precede? That may be some sort
of logical paradox, and could lead to fat ladies abusing their power of
song. The only way out may be to shoot every fat woman in the world, argues
Peter Stringfellow.
Lingual
Joke Goes Over Foreigner's Head
"It is not fair", compained
Gilles Derniame, a French Exchange student in Derby. "They thought I was
stupid because I did not get their silly joke."
The witticism, which was
based around the similar sound of the phrases "I'm a country member", and
"I'm a cunt, remember", passed straight over the student's head, for twenty
seconds. When he finally got to the bottom of the homonym, he was too late,
and had laughed at an inappropriate moment.
"It wasn't even very funny.
It was just a way for these repressed idiots to swear and make it seem
respectable. To wrap up your vulgarity in that manner, and then to call
it a joke is just so fucking English. You are so ashamed of every word
you say that it makes me feel sick that I bothered to learn your shitty
language."
M. Derniame reacted angrily
when it was suggested that he did not actually believe what he was saying
- he was just recovering whatever face he could, as he felt like a nob-end
after not getting a relatively easy joke. "Of course you would say that,"
he whined in a really irritating accent. |