SCENE TWO : LITTLE PETER TALKS TO HIMSELF
| Little Peter | I am hungry. I am so hungry I think my tummy will fall off. |
| Voice | You are tired, too. I can feel that you are tired. |
| Little Peter | Yes. I have not eaten for nine years and I am very hungry, and tired. |
| Voice | Don't lie to me. You had a tub of crème fraiche and a Linda McCartney sausage barm only half an hour ago. |
| Little Peter | Most of it missed my mouth, though. It is cruel. I am so hungry, and yet when I try to eat I get to excited that I end up throwing the food over my shoulder, and going "oo! oo!". The nice woman is supposed to come around and help me eat, but I have not seen her for a long time. |
| Voice | She hasn't been the same since she took up with that Greek man with the semi-detached bungalow, and started eating Primula straight from the tube. |
| Little Peter | You sound like a confused Victoria Wood. Are you Victoria Wood? |
| Voice | Sadly not. I am a gay man who thinks that imitating Victoria Wood will lend him an air of camp domestic hilarity. |
| Little Peter | I have a gay man living in my head! |
| Voice | Yes you do. I am responsible for everything wrong with your brain. |
| Little Peter | What is gay? |
| Voice | I cannot tell you. I am bound by Clause 28 which prohibits me from peddling my behaviour on the playgrounds and also stops me from stealing children in my rainbow bus and teaching them how to play the ham clarinet. |
| Little Peter | Your rainbow bus sounds nice. Does it shine? |
| Voice | Oh, yes. It is very shiny. I use a special polish that only I know about. |
| Little Peter | Where is the magic polish? I want to help you clean your bus! |
| Voice | It's in your penis, Peter. |
| Little Peter | What is a .... ? |
| Voice | Let me show you. |