My Anniversary

For our anniversary we went to a lovely restaurant in Stourbridge. We've been going out for three years now - that's over a thousand days! If I think about this in terms of percentages, then I can do a pie chart.

13% : Sleeping : I read a book that says that people spend a third of their life asleep - this has to be rubbish, as I get about three hours sleep a day and am perfectly all right. My sleep is split into three one hour segments, between which I find other ways to fill the night.
15% : Sweating & Screaming : Between sleeping, I stare upwards, watching the shadows slide over the ceiling as headlights growl along the street. It feels like there is a Gordian knot in my stomach (it's called a Gordian knot because you say "Gordian Bennett that's a difficult knot to undo!") and the lights melt through the walls, which begin to fold inwards. Just before I suffocate I get up and make some tapestry animals.
7% : Making Tapestry Animals : Sometimes I get up and make some tapestry animals that I give to my family the next day. The only thing is, I'm usually so exhausted that they don't look very good. Sometimes I do not stitch them up very well and their guts drop out. Once, I gave an woolly fox to my nephew. To make it more realistic I made the teeth out of little bits of broken porcelain. How was I to know the stupid little bastard would cut himself up really bad? Luckily mum and dad are dead, so there was no-one to tell me off!
2% : Running up and down stairs : I love this - it's great! It makes your heart beat really fast, AND if you hold your breath and do it you faint! Crazy sexy cool! I spend approximately twenty-nine minutes a day doing this competitive sport that should be televised if there was any justice in the world.

15% : Eating : I like chicken most. I use a rhyme to remind me what I can eat. It is based on the amount of legs that the thing you're eating has. "If there are none, that meat you'll shun / If there's two - then you must chew / For four legs I say - consult Appendix A / if legs do number six or more - then you will be sick on the floor / And if the creatures human are, make sure that you do say 'no, ta!'"

Appendix A: "If pig or cow, eat it now; if it's not, fuck the lot."
20% : Going Out With My Crazy Friends : I cannot stop in the house on the evenings. What with Log being on call as a emergency urban cowboy (where he got that crazy costume from I will never know - his spurs play "Wind Beneath My Wings" when they jangle, which is neat!), I get a lot of time to myself, and that is when my brain starts to fill up with grey thoughts. So I go out with my crazy friends, and we walk along the street with our arms around each other, singing "we are the best friend bunch, we are the best friend bunch". There's only two of us, me and Sandy, although we are interviewing new members at the moment. But they're all so booooring!
33% : Working : Since I left the Crystal Shop, I have been working from home. I answered one of those boards that you see tied to lampposts, that say you can earn £50-£500 a week for 20 hours work.. You wouldn't believe what they make me do! Two men come around who put a plank over two chairs, and I have to stand on the plank in a pirate costume for twenty hours while they show me disorientating imagery and run backwards and forwards and sideways. If I do not fall of the plank they give me £500. If I do, they give me £50. They are a very eccentric couple of men.

Anyway, we went to this French Restaurant for a romantic candlelit dinner. We were sat next to a table who were having birthday party, worse luck, and the big fat bartender kept putting me off my food. I had ordered a Bouche de Champignon, and Log had a carafe of wine. He was so drunk he just sat there and didn't say a word all night! During the bread course, I was distracted by my reflection in the back of a spoon. While I was looking at it, and opening and closing my mouth, the butter fell off my knife and onto my chair. This wasn't so bad, but when the starters were coming out, I slipped on the butter and landed on the floor on my bottom! Climbing back up, and laughing really hard to let everyone know I am a good sport and silly crazy, I accidentally hit the fork, which went whipping through the air and popped a balloon at the birthday table. It went off in this woman's ear, and she was so surprised that she fell backwards off her chair. The waiter tripped over her, and my Bouche de Champignon landed in my hair. Fucking cunt! On top of this, the waiter was also carrying a dozen snails - don't ask me why! - and as they are lighter, they flew over my head, across the restaurant, and stunned the bartender, who staggered backwards into the wall. The impact of the big fat barman knocked over a bottle of absinthe, which went all over the floor. Thinking this was ectoplasm (I often make this mistake - it is because the film Ghostbusters scared me so much when I was a child), I screamed and jumped to my feet - knocking the table over. Our romantic candle rolled along the floor, into the absinthe, and - foomp - the whole place was on fire. Luckily for me, the mushroom sauce had formed a protective coating on my skin, and I escaped unscathed. Everyone else, to my knowledge, died. Except for Log, who had already climbed out the toilet window - sometimes I think he's psychic!

Walking home together, I held Log's hand and told him how much I loved him. He made this weird, airless bark, and I hugged him. I love Log so much.