I do not have enough teeth. I have got the usual amount which is 32. But I want more.

Why doesn't the NHS let you have an operation which puts more teeth in your mouth? I want more teeth. It is causing me mental trauma not having these teeth. So why do the NHS not give me them, so I can live my life? I will tell you why; the country we are living in is too busy giving food vouchers to heroin addicts to give me my free teeth.

I do not know where I will put my teeth. My mouth is kinda full. I wouldn't mind teeth on the ends of my fingers, so that I could chew my food by drumming my fingers. This would leave my head free to look at chicks, and whistle. That would be cool.

If I don't get more teeth soon I am going to turn to crime. That will teach the government. I will be living evidence of the failure of this government to cater for the individual, pandering instead to the mob mentality. Don't get me wrong - I love the mob mentality, just not when its interests conflict with my own.

Why did I throw away my baby teeth? God, what a waste. I could have taped some of them to my chest, and some more of them to my fingers. Then, I could have secretly chewed my girlfriends as I hugged them, by drumming my fingers on their back and smooching my chest around. And they'd never know! I'd be hugging them, and saying "I love you so much", but all I would really be doing was chewing them up! Yum, yum!

Instead of stealing money to pay for teeth, why don't I just steal teeth? I am going to break into Number 10 Downing Street and steal Tony Blair's teeth. I will probably have to bring some drugged meat to take care of Cherie. Once I have got his teeth I will wake him up and challenge him to a chewing contest. And he will say "you have picked the wrong person to challenge, young man, I am Tony Blair and my teeth are formidable." By the time he realises his teeth are taped to my fingers, I will be up to his knees, and still chomping!

The only way to stop my murder spree will be to give me more teeth. I am impossible to kill, and my exploits will span five sequels. The clever member of the group (probably a girl) will use the internet to research my history and needs, and will say "Oh, he only wants more teeth - then the killings will stop and we can all go to college." And they will give me my teeth. Then, when they are living their lives as normal, I will phone one of them up and say "thanks for my teeth... I'm just dying to try them out!" Then I will laugh, and chatter my teeth.

It's not my fault. Blame the last 20 years of government. They've killed the NHS.