I really wish that people, especially superstars who should know better, would stop feeding pigeons close to - or in - restaurants.

It's stupid and it's wrong. It's antisocial and it's evil. If there's one thing that really gets my goat, it's people who encourage pigeons, which are scum and officially vermin according to my Collins Mini-Gem book of Urban Horror, to congregate around restaurants. Pigeons carry tetanus, scrofula, scurvy and Down's Syndrome around with them, and if you get scrofula only the King can cure you, by knighting you with his sword and cutting your head off.

I cite a real-life example. I live in Nottingham, so the only real celebrities we have are Su Pollard, Dale Winton, and Torville & Dean. We also have the Tindersticks and Six By Seven but they never leave their houses except to get Pot Noodles and toilet roll from the 24 hour garage.

So I was there, having a Cajun Chicken Wrap from Burger King, when Su Pollard walks backwards into the restaurant, bumping the door open with her arse and knocking over a retarded child. She was leaving a trail of breadcrumbs and when she'd finished, she set up a trap. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "I am trying to catch pigeons so that I can give them to the Great Soprendo. I am trying to woo him away from Victoria Wood who is a bitch." I asked her if she had to do it where people were eating, and she just frowned and ignored me. I called the manager but he told me that she was famous so there was nothing he could do. Then he went over to her and started trying to kiss her.

I think this is disgusting. If I wasn't a gentleman, I would have punched Su Pollard in the neck. What makes her so special? If I had done this, I would have been stripped naked and thrown into the street. But Su Pollard got a round of applause. Surely this isn't fair?

My best friend told me I am jealous. That is so wrong. I could be famous if I wanted, and trap pigeons in Burger King. I just don't want to - I don't think it's nice.

Dale Winton's even worse. He keeps pigeons inside his clothes to create a bristling effect that he thinks is sexy. He also uses them to carry him off if he is caught in the middle of a crime. I was sat at the next table to him in MacDonalds, and he started getting his pigeons to play basketball with a screwed up bit of paper into his Coke cups. It was so inconsiderate! A feather flew into my Ice Cream. I was nearly sick. I went over to Dale Winton, and said "Excuse me, would you mind keeping your pigeons under control?"

You wouldn't believe it! He actually laughed in my face! He said "Sit down, little boy. I am not to be trifled with." I was about to say "How dare you, Mr Winton!" but his eyes started to glow red and his pigeons fell silent and stared at me. That was so RUDE!

I tried to tell the manager again, but he was dealing with a gang of youths who were stealing money and killing him. I just walked out, and I will not be returning. My best friend says that Dale Winton is no way Satan the Carrion King, Lord of the Scavengers. I don't know, though.

As for Torville and Dean, they just take the piss. Between them, they form a bond of professional magnetism that, for some reason, pigeons cannot break out of. When they are quite close, this magnetism is more powerful, and more pigeons become trapped. It's not surprising, therefore, when they meet in a restaurant, only feet away from each other, and a near flock of pigeons and a couple of seagulls between them. And if they touch, a couple of the birds explode. Naturally, this sends feathers everywhere - including into my soup.

When I complained, they actually looked sympathetic, and asked me to lie on the floor. I did, thinking that they were going to do something about the pigeons, but all they did was start skating all over me. It really hurt, and in my opinion this was probably against the law.

It's just not on. I'm not asking for much, just the sane and proper consideration for others.