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Pikachu's Ears Should Have Electrity Coming From Them, Not Those Red Spots On His Face. And While I'm About It, Every Cartoon Should Be Subject To Stringent Legislation, Which I Will Outline Below.
Do you know what really gets on my nerves? It's when cartoons are wrong. I remember, when I was a child, I used to watch the Flintstones, and it used to really irritate me that it misportrayed prehistory; not only did dinosaurs predate humans by many millions of years, the idea that a Pterodactyl could suck - through it's beak - with enough force to act as a vacuum cleaner, just made me ANGRY. And now, we have Pokémon. I will, for now, ignore the fact that there are flying sentient magnets that are attached to what appear to be metal breasts, because I accept that this is a work of fiction. However, when this "electric mouse", who I believe is called Pikachu, behaves in ways that directly contravene the proven sciences, I begin to get angry. Electricity travels towards pointed things. This is why metal spikes get hit by electricity, as do churches, whereas beach balls and Millenium Domes do not. So the electricity that Pikachu keeps in him should travel up his ears, making a "ftzzz" sound, like a machine that makes Frankensteins. For it to come out of the red spots on his smooth, tasty cheeks is an offensive lie. And this is not the only problem I have with cartoons. It seems that people use the medium of cartoon simply as an excuse to not be sensible. For instance, I am currently watching an episode of Scooby Doo, and it is shit. I can tolerate Scooby Doo's speech as a regrettable flight of fancy, but when their exciting and musical chase scene went into that corridor full of doors, all sense of proportion was lost. They just appeared anywhere, and at one point, they were chasing the ghost! Surely that is a folly beyond words? Children should be taught the importance of time and space, not told that it may be contravened easily by bad drawings of dogs. Cartoons are not real. I understand this. However, they must be limited by legislation to obey the laws of science. Should chaos run unchecked in the minds of our children, then we will breed a nation of lunatics. A nation of evil, megalomaniacal lunatics. Here is my proposed legislation. (1) Cartoons will obey gravity at all times, and immediately. Obeyance of gravity will not be delayed until the character becomes aware that they have run off the end of a cliff in the vain pursuit of a Road Runner. (1b) No character, therefore, shall fly, unless it is by scientifically proven methods, such as hoverboards, or lots of balloons. (2) Should injuries occur, proper bleeding and fractures shall be occasioned to the character, and will be evident in subsequent scenes. In the event of total disembowellment, the guts shall not be scooped back up into the torso as the character sidesteps sheepishly from the frame. (3) In the unlikely event that cartoons and humans should interact, cartoons shall be reverential towards humans, who are after all their creators and lords. (3b) Under no circumstances should the artist's hand be depicted in cartoon form. This creates a profound nested cartoonistry paradox, and if followed to its logical conclusion, would lead to us all being cartoons drawn by each other, which is unacceptable. (4) Signs of sexual arousal, where they are absolutely necessary, shall be limited to those appropriate to the species. Wolves, for example, will simply circle each other then have sex, and not go through a disturbing process wherein their eyes fall out of their head. (4b) Wolves in particular will not be attracted to human women. (5) Buildings and flowers shall not dance. That is my legislation; I hope that you concur. |
