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My Family Are Just So Embarrassing. I Wish They Would All Just Die RIGHT NOW. I cannot believe it. My family are just so embarrassing! I have just started a Social Anthropology degree at Durham University and as such, certain standards of behaviour are expected of me. My studies concern the analysis of, and feeling sympathy for, many different cultures. Curiously (and I don't know if this is a living experiment) they have even made me share a flat with a black man. I'm not sure if I approve, but I was fighting down the panic and trying to be friendly, when my father walked in and said "Fucking hell, who let the spearchucker in?" Then he got really aggravated and said "Listen, Jar Jar, if you've so much as touched my son, I'll string you up by your ankles and beat you with a stick." It was so embarrassing! The black boy, whose name I didn't ask, just stood there. Then his parents walked in, and my dad muttered that we'd all be eating bones and climbing trees by the end of the year, then left really quickly. It was weird. I'd never seen a black person before, and now I was suddenly on my own. Surrounded by them. I could almost imagine little dotted lines appearing all over my body, as they imagined which bits of me would be the tastiest cuts. I just said "How do you do pleased to meet you bye thanks" - although I was nervous, so I may have screamed it - and ran to my room, where my father was also hiding. He is so pathetic. My parents said they'd take me for a meal before they left me to booklearning. My mother decided to take our packed lunch into the church, because she thinks that it will be a bit blessed by God. I think God hates her for leaving bits of pastry everywhere. She is a very messy eater, because she gets very excited when she is close to food. This is becuse she was a hostage for five years, kept on a starvation diet. That is no excuse, though. She has been released for two weeks now. My uncle keeps wasps. He says that wasp honey is sweeter that the bee's, and he spends hours squeezing their stingers so that little bubbles of honey come out. He must be very patient, because it takes over three hundred wasps to make enough honey for one slice of toast. But when I take friends around to his house, as he is CONSTANTLY asking me to do, he keeps getting his wasps out and laughing. The wasps are exhausted and grumpy because he keeps squeezing them, and he puts them on the record player until they fall off the end or are sick. It is cruel to wasps. I am going to report him. On top of all this, my brother has Down's Syndrome. He is so embarrassing. Everyone always keeps saying how clever he is, and I know FOR A FACT that he isn't clever, because he hardly knows any sums at all. He just laughs all day, which really makes me angry. If I laughed all day people would hit me and say I was mad, but he just gets hugged and told that he is clever. Sometimes I put itching powder in his mouth, and when he tries to put his hand in his mouth to scratch it, I punch him on the back of the head so he bites his hand. He doesn't look so clever THEN. After University
I am never going home. |