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*according to the book "Love, Courtship and Marriage", first published in 1967 and reprinted in 1971. Individual attitudes may have differed. Following are passages from a book which probably rocked the world in the sixties. Well, some of it is - the rest is cunningly contrived by myself to hoodwink you. Can you determine the authentic advice from my flippant chicanery? The chances are you can - but as I'll never know your score, and there are no prizes, do I look that bothered? |
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THE
FIRST KISS
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| "As a rule, ladies do not care to be asked for the first kiss; maiden modesty is a sufficient barrier to their giving consent. It naturally follows that the first kiss should be taken without being asked for; a scuffle sufficient to lend the affair excitement is almost sure to follow." | "To kiss on the first date would seem caddish, and imply a fervour in the man that may only be sated by far more intimate - and premature - contact. However, a gentle kiss may be stolen in a drowsy moment, until the proper time for intrusive kissing is upon you both." |
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OBJECTIONABLE
QUALITIES IN A HUSBAND
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"A man who whistles is to be avoided at all costs. Tuneful whistlers are worse again than the dirgeful meanderings of the tone-deaf; for they add vanity to their sins ... [a man who] whistles is the very worst kind of blackheart - if he will not spare your ears his indulgent lipsong, he certainly will not spare your emotions an endless series of infidelities." |
"It is well to be cautious how you place your faith in gentlemen who wear diamond scarf pins and spend their leisure time on hotel steps ... it is much better to lavish your smiles on a sturdy young farmer, carpenter, or even labourer, who work by the day in their short sleeves." |
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FAT
CHICKS : THE SCORE
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| "If a man wishes to have a wife who is winsome, he should avoid marrying a woman who is very bulky, inasmuch as it requires urgent motives to call out her physical and mental energies, and she does not usually like to be bothered very much." | "Overweight women do no favours for themselves or those who, by contrivance or accident, happen to gaze upon them. Although easily pampered and wooed with foodstuffs of even a low quality, they should remain an entertaining diversion for curious men on the brink of marrying a lady more becoming." |
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POP
PHRENOLOGY
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| "Those who are fond of music should marry partners whose ears are beautifully rounded." | "If you wish to pursue a marriage in which the visual arts play a more than background role, you would be wise to seek a partner with large, open eyes, and eyelids barely sufficient to cover the pupils." |
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THE
LIFE OF A BACHELOR
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| "The lone man, without the sobering restraint of a decent woman, will inevitably find the company of other loveless souls. Their social gallivanting will consist largely of unseemly drunken bawdiness, which may lead to an ill-advised and indiscrete passion with the first creature that shows any sign of affection to the pitiful wretch. A lady stooping to offer alms to a vagrant may feel this intemperent gentleman's attentions on her unmentionable garden, and she would be well within her rights to defend herself with an umbrella, or whatever artillery comes to hand ... also be warned that any man avoiding matrimony as a matter of principle may be concealing a hatred for womenkind borne of his unnatural fondness for male company." | "He may have been a respectable commercial traveller who starts out in the morning after partaking of his unsocial breakfast. While transacting his day's business he meets with worry and anxiety. Perhaps he may have got wet and longs to get home to change his clothes. When he reaches his lodgings he finds the home locked up, the landlady having gone out. On entering, everything is cold and cheerless and the fire is out. His wet clothes make him chilly, but the clean linen is also damp and may eventually cause a fever. He is then laid upon a bed of affliction and his landlady will complain of the inconvenience. He will be acutely conscious that he has no loving wife to smooth his pillow. Perhaps his life may be cut short in consequence of careless nursing." |
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FOREIGN
WEDDINGS
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| In France, the law is very strict on the question of time, and severe indeed is the punishment if its bounds are overstepped : "The rite of marriage is to be performed between the hours of eight a.m. and twelve, upon pain of suspension and felony with fourteen years' transportation." | In Greece, it is relatively easy to obtain a certificate of marriage; indeed, one is said to have entered common law matrimony if giggles are heard from any room other than the parlour. Divorce is an equally simple matter, and is effected by dropping the wedding band into the ocean, and crossly refusing to retrieve it. |
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Make sure you come back soon for more confounding episodes of |
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