So, to set the scene, where are we? How old are you? And how badly do you need to poo?

OK. We're in Edinburgh, and it's 1990. At the time Iwas studying at the University. At the point this story starts, my bowels are empty and all is well

I'm there. I'm with you.

One Saturday, I'd decided to go over to one of the student union bars for a drink or two, catch up with some chums

Before I left, I made myself a couple of spliffs for the journey. I could never get dope easily in Edinburgh, so having some was a very rare treat

All very normal. Perfectly normal.

Except for the drugs, which are obviously immoral.

Oh, totally. And after the evening in question, you'd think I'd learn my lesson

Anyway, I go into town, smoking one of these spliffs before I get into the Union

I got in, bought a pint, drank it fairly quickly, just in time for the dope to hit my head

Did both hit at once?

It's what the tabloids would call a mindbending cocktail.

I'm sat there totally banjaxed, unable to talk,which meant I start drinking very quickly

I drank about 4 pints in an hour

My hat's off to you.

Thing was, I started to get paranoid because I was so quiet

So I decided to go and hit the gay bars, where nobody minds if you don't talk

As long as you've got a nice T-shirt on and your cock in an ashtray. As I understand it.

Something like that - they can be very functional, gay men

Not that I got to find out this evening

So, is anything happening on the inside at this point?

Not yet...I walked over to some gay bar, smoking the other spliff en route

I was worried I'd get searched so decided to get it down me

Wise enough - did it help?

No.

Oo.

By the time I'd made myself comfortable in the bar, my head started to swim horribly

I thought more beer would settle me, but it didn't

I think the technical term is a 'whitey'

I know of this phenomenon.

I've seen it many times. It's hilarious to watch

I was so dizzy, I couldn't walk without stumbling and falling over

I felt dreadful, and by now my stomach is boiling away furiously

Attracting much attention?

Well, eventually the doormancame over and asked if I was OK

Unusually pleasant of him. You must be a looker. Or maybe you had your cock in an ashtray.

No, I must have looked like shit. I tried talking but all that came out was a slurred random monologue

So the bastard told me it was time to leave

and pulled me off the chair and hauled me out of the door

Less nice.

And by now I can't walk, so I'm slumped in this doorway

and my stomach is clenching like a fist inside me

I can empathise with this. I've been here.

I'm on my hands and knees trying to puke, but just making these awful choking sounds

Dry heaving?

that's it. That's a great phrase, isn't it?

Yeah - like "dry humping"... although I'm not exactly sure what that means.

Although I think I can guess.

that'd be frottage

Is it? I'd thought it was sex with a woman who hadn't, you know, juiced up. I've dry humped!

have a cigar

What an eye-opening diversion.

ANYWAY

So....

The heaving subsides, and I manage to haul myself up, and get to the bus stop to catch the night bus. I think the fresh air is clearing my head somewhat

You think...

I get on the bus and sit down, only to be overwhelmed by another rush of nausea, at which point I black out.

....

(I like the Time Passes device - very text-only adventure)

the next thing I remember I'm sat on the bus, with my head between my knees

suddenly I projectile vomit over the double seat in front of me

Anyone else on the bus?

no idea

probably

Best that you don't know

However...at the same time as I vomit, what feels like several litres of liquid shoot out of my ringpiece with breathtaking force

Oh, yes.

accompanied by the most stomach-churning wet fart you've ever heard

100% spasm

I cannot describe how it feels to void so much, so quickly

It feels haunting.

and the feeling of utter elation as it happens

it feels so wrong

but it feels so good

Like cake

No, nothing like cake

Are you sure? Sounds like cake.

For a few seconds, I felt omnipotent

like moses parting the waters

wheras in fact I'm laid back on a bus seat, soaked in my own faeces

and vomit

and drool

How long did it take for all of this to sink in? When I wake up from these stupors, it can take me minutes to work out what's going on, even without a pant full of crappins..

Quite a while actually, as I think I passed out again at this point

the next thing I remember is hearing the sea

and a woman saying 'that man's been sick'

Were you properly conscious yet?

I was just coming round. Thinking I was near home, I  got straight off the bus, as quickly as I could, because I was so mortified by what I'd done

Bad move

I'd overshot my stop. I was 6 miles from home, and the next bus was 2 hours away

I'm guessing that diluted shit is falling into your shoes, as well.

The diluted shit is everywhere

Above the waistband, too? Or did you save that area just for vomit?

In my pockets, all over my hands. It's trapped in my pants, has soaked my trousers and soaked my socks

There is sick all down my front

in my hair

over my face

How am I supposed to do this whilst laughing so much?

I'm going to have a sip of tea.

I am, literally, soaked from head to toe in my own shit and vomit

Can I just reiterate that point

I just snorted in my tea

Say it again

I am soaked from head to toe in my own shit and vomit

That's the one.

Can I use that quote on a T-Shirt?

As long as I get a free one, of course you can

And I face a six-mile walk home

Around two hours to a healthy, unsodden male

Were you up to it?

I had no choice. This is December on the east coast of Scotland. You don't fuck about making plans, it's too bloody cold

So, before long I am soaked from head to toe in my own freezing cold shit and vomit

Do you have any photos? It's certainly an Athena moment.

I  wish I had,my God they would be priceless

Hash - £7.50

Beer - £109

Realising that walking six miles home covered in rapidly freezing shit soup is no fun - priceless

I had nothing to try and clean myself up with

No nature to hand? A couple of doc leaves, maybe?

I did vanish behind a bush to get rid of my pant, which had held most of what was solid

but we're talking several pounds of shit here

I am in awe, you understand. If I go silent it's because I have fallen in love with you.

It's never occured to me before, but I probably wet myself as well

You never really shit without pissing, do you? I've tried.

Me neither, but I guess with everything else that was going on it got overlooked

So, you've done the lot, really. I'm assuming you were sweating as well.

I believe this is the first full house.

Well, I didn't have a nose bleed, so there's still another mountain to conquer there

Bugger

We're missing blood

You might be toppled yet - although I pity the man who manages to do all this whilst bleeding

quite, it's a times like these one is thankful for small mercies

I managed to walk home. It took about 2 hours

At the time, were you living with parents?

No, with other students, thankfully

I've never been so cold in my life

And what time was it? Were they all awake?

Yep, and here comes the punchline...

I'm clenching

when I got in, the lads assumed I'd just got in off the bus. One of them shouted....

"'ere Dan, Did you get the bus with all the sick and shit on it?"

Woo...

So if you'd stayed on the bus...

You'd have been discovered by your mate?

The bus had gone back into Edinburgh. If I'd stayed on it, I would have got home. When it got back into town my mates had caught it to get home

and seen my deposits

What a nice touch. Your shit got home before you.

And I bet it didn't even pay its fare

Well, you did share a seat.