Hooray! Back now.

Excellent.

So -are you ready?

I am agog and all ears

Well, this took place when i was in junior school.

Old juniors or young?

Old. Not infants. Me and my younger sister had the unfortunate luck of getting "worms" whilst on holiday.

Good start to the story, then

Proper worms that eat your food for you?

'Fraid so. My mother took us to the Dr's and he gave us this hideous concoction to drink that would flush out our intestines.

Anyway, he said that it would take 12 hours or so to work.

Worked very well with my sis but took a little longer with me.

I wondered how they did it

You hear stories about them tempting them out with a sugar cube

Urgh...

It might be a joke though

I had to endure three days of extreme farting and sore tummy. Not nice.

The farting sounds fun. There's something about "extreme farting" that sounds quite ... visual

Few splattery ones but the worst was to come...

Do go on

So, I was sent to school on Monday , my Mum thinking that it had done the job.

The farting continued through the day which wasn't too bad as it got me the "King Of Farts" title.

Kudos

Hooray, indeed! The lesson after lunch, though, was games and it stirred something deep inside.

Was the worm still inside you at this point?

(I have more questions about worms that I want to ask later)

Well, we'll come to that...

I genuinely can't wait

So, we're were just about to get changed when I felt the mother of all farts brewing deep inside.

Something was terribly wrong.

A dark day in anus town

Words cannot describe the terror I felt at that moment. As the first splutter came I made a dash for the toilets. They were quite close but nowhere near enough.

Your state of dress at this point?

You said you were getting changed, you weren't naked were you?

No. Thank god.

For you, maybe. For me, the image is great.

Shorts halfway down my legs, I attemped in vain to reach the cubicle.

Go on...

Farting all the way?

Ha ha! One of those "put, put, put" ones.

Like an outboard motor...

Sorry about this. One minute!

Sorry 'bout that.

No problem. So, your shorts were around your ankles

Half way down.

Mental image amended

Just as I got into the cubicle, the flood gates opened and the deluge started.

So, no problem, it would seem. You're pooing, and you're in a toilet

Or is it not that simple?

If only it was.

I was only half on.

Oh dear

The whole floor was splattered in one fell swoop and the fart that accompianied it was hideous.

So, the poo was ... liquid?

Oh yes.

Lots of it?

lots and lots and lots...

Oh good

My feet were absolutely fucking covered in it and most of my legs.

Now I'm laughing again. I always lose my composure at this point.

Where did you go from here?

You would seem to be in an impossible situation

Don't forget that my shorts were only half way down too.

How could I?

So, in short, my lower half was fucking covered in shit

and I also had a cradle of it suspended betwixt my legs.

A nice touch

I edged onto the toilet, very, very gently.

To what end?

So, where were we?

Let me see...

You were standing, the floor of the toilet covered in shit, and a cradle of filth between your legs.

Ah, yes.

About three or four of my mates heard the hideous noises and decided to investigate.

Pesky snoopers

I ended up with them peering over the cubicle wall, trying not to get poo all over their trainers.

What were they saying?

"Oh MY GOD" and stuff like that. It's quite funny remembering the look on their faces.

So it was shock rather than revulsion and scorn...

At this point.

Oh yes. They were quite good about it.. Anyway, one of them went off to get the teacher and then most of the other lads came in for a look too.

Funnily enough, I never really got much stick about it.

That's fairly incredible

When you think about it, yes. I think the whole scene was too horrific.

You must have been very popular

Not really. I didn't even have an older brother.

Perhaps... you broke through the ridicule barrier

It must have been that. I still can't believe it myself.

I'd like to think that I would have risen to the challenge, if I'd seen someone in that state.

I would certainly have laughed

And said Sir Shitsalot

Or something

I wouldn't/couldn't have blamed anyone if they had.

So, we have a toilet full of children, some with shit on their shoes, you in a cubicle, loaded to the hilt with your own muck - what are the authorities doing?

Preparing the clean-up operation.

A one man job?

Yes. The poor care-taker. I bet he'd never seen something as bad as that.

The one thing that's still sticking in my mind

Is that you said you'd come back to the worm later.

Well, it wasn't quite the worm i was expecting.

Oh?

There were loads of them but they were quite small really. Not the massive long one I was dreading.

I had visions of maybe having to pull it out if it didn't all come out at once.

Lots of small ones? I'm not sure if that's worse or not

Going back to what I was saying about tempting them out with a sugar cube... it would be terrifying if a load of them came out and carried it ant-like back up the anus

Wrestled it from your fingers

Ha ha ha ha... No, mine weren't too bad really, I suppose. They were probaly about 2-3cm long and very thin. I think they're called thread worms.

Still... pretty grim. Were they... actually alive at this point?

Do they flap around?

No, they were all dead. That WOULD have been horrific.

Did you clean up in the school, or go home?

Well, I had to clean up at school.

I don't think they were cruel enough to send home a boy covered in shit.

Yes. That makes sense.

I was given the rest of the day off though. Hooray!

A happy ending!

Yeah!

And no repercussions, ever?

None. How strange is that?

You're uncanny. It's the happiest shitting yourself story I've ever heard. And this is.. my fifth.