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OK, there are two stories. One is not really poo, but it's about me and it's bad and the other is about my brother in law and it is major league poo.....

Which one first my good man?

Yes I can vouch, I know all parties and saw some of the evidence... OK, the brother in law, football presentation evening.  The team has booked the fuction room at Leicester City football clab to make a real good do of it..  It's a jacket and tie job so he borrows a suit...

Not sure who lent him the suit...

Shitting in the suit, thats fucking minor part of this story....  (excuse my language)

He goes to the meal / piss up with his now wife and there friends (of the time) from next door, another married couple...  They go in a taxi so that they can all have a drink...

At this point I must point out that Steve idoes have a bit of a record for getting pissed and being ill, I mean the guy managed to sleep the entire night on a busy road island in the middle of the ring road.

Anyway we move on. It's about 11:30pm he is fucking hammered...  He starts dancing with one of the other football lads. Rather, throwing each other around the room..

Anyway he lands on a table, it breaks in half. The drinks go everywhere, the glasses get smashed, and the security have had enough. They start walking over towards him..  At this point his partner heads them off and says there cab will be here soon so they'll wait outside for it...

They get him to his feet and get him outside (the three of them have to kind of hold him up)...

Outside....

The air hits him, so now he's twice as bad...  the cab turns up, it's a mini bus they have sent...  They get him in the mini bus, he falls off the seat flat on his face on the floor of the mini bus and lies there the entire journey home...

They arrive home, he gets himself out of the mini bus....

Now you know when you look at things in the cold light of day and you realise what a stupid thing it was to do, here comes one of those moments from the next door neighbours. They are a bit tipsy themelves, but Steve is well and truly fucked.  They say "It's only midnight come round to ours! We have some beer in the fridge."

They go in the house. After 5 minutes Steve's partner is thinking perhaps she ought to go check on him cos he was left at the side of the road, so she goes outside....

He isn't at the side of the road anymore...

He's asleep in the middle of it.

Luckly it's not a major road.

Yep, how he got there is unknown

Now you'd think that this would be enough get him home....  No get him inside the neighbours house...

"Steve would you like a beer"

"Yes" says Steve.

Wait till you find out what they got....

Now at this point I should mention that Steve and his partner (I won't name her to protect her) have a 3 year old son, and the babysitter is staying over at their house too, so perhaps thats why they didn't take him straight home...  I don't know that could of been the thinking but who knows, morte likely they were a bit pissed themselves...

I should also point out that Steve and his partner also have a brand new bathroom suite less than 1 month old.... You know where this is going I guess...

No easy wipe tiles, nice carpet and a very nice new bathroom mat...

He sits in the chair with his beer and drinks about one mouth full before falling asleep...  After about 10 mins he falls off the chair face first into the cats un-eaten bowl of cat food....

Now they get the message it's time to go....  They can't wake him or move him...

But he's been pissed there before, not this bad, but bad...  Let him sleep here says the neighbour (removing the cat food) I'll leave my key in the door so if he wakes in the middle of the night he can let himself out....

Now the good bit...  The aftermath....

The events are unknown from here, he certainly doesn't know to this day.  Here is the evidence, decide for yourself...

OK, 3am approximately Steve's partner is half woken, there is a vision in the bedroom doorway of Steve he has no trousers on....  She says whats going on where's your trousers...  His reply "Don't ask, you don't want to know".

She goes back to sleep....

Cut ot the morning about 8am I think but the time is not relevant....

Steve is well abd truely asleep at the side of her...  You know how you kind of wake up and get up but you're still half asleep....

Well that's her this particular morning...   She goes to the bathroom - I would imagine for a piss....

Whats does she find there....

SHIT... All over the bathroom....

I don't know I just told you her words although from what follows you can assume the guy was ... A) Loose and B) has an arse like a tardis....

She goes back into the bedroom, she's pretty pissed off...  She throws back the duvet cover she's gonna have a fucking real good go and who can blame her.....  What does she find...

SHIT....  All over the bed and the duvet cover...

She looks at the bottom of the bed there are the trousers....

It goes without saying.... Shit in them.....

But whats that the nice new bathroom mat, what is that doing there, she loves that mat (she's a woman they do things like that)....

Well, he had to wipe his arse with something didn't he....

Now there are stirings from the other poart of the house.... The babysitter, the son....

They mustn't use the bathroom - she has to go stop them....

She tells the babysitter, then she goes back to kill Steve....

I assume the babysitter went to inspect....

The neighbour enters there a house, a lovely bloke is Paul, one of the nicest, do anything for you....  Even clean up the sick you left in his kitchen and hall way....

Steve's partner is upstairs the babysitter is downstairs talking to the neighbour....  She must go appologise....  She hears the conversation just as she is about to go down stairs....

The neighbour says "Hows Steve"...

The babysitter says "Bad, he's messed up the bathroom"

The neighbour says "Yes, he was very ill at mine, I had to cleam the sick from the Kitchen and the hallway, It was foul smelling"...

The babysitter says "Oh no, thats not puke, it's shit. He's shit everywhere"

OK, now the neighbour goes through realisation of what it is he's acytually cleaned up....  Steve's partner see's his face as realisation dawns....  The guy feels ill and leaves....

I ain't done yet.....

Steve's partner is now beginning to wonder how he got in. The neighbour Paul left a key in their door, but she can't remember if Steve had a key or not to his own house. Anyway, she has to go and apologise....

Dressing gown on, slippers on and go next door....

The neighbours look ill...  She says sorry, she says it lots....

She leaves there property, as she leaves she notices a trail that leads from the neighbours front door to the side of her house...  A trail of shit....

She follows the trail, she follows it to the side of her house...  The shit is up the side of her house, quite high indeed he must of climbed something to shit that high up....

How did he get in?

You'd of thought that but if he did he shut it behind him..... and that would of taken him into his sons room....

Thats the story done....  The build up and the evidence...  The chain of events we can only guess at...

He obviously can't remember....

No, nothing at all, nor the babysitter who was in the spare room...  Although his son was only just 3 at the time....