ronnie's story
Ronnie was young when he did his poo, but I have allowed in his story because it is one of the nicer examples of soiling. After reading through, why not visit the Junk Food Manifesto, for which Ronnie (a nom de poome) writes. In case "mufti" is lost on you, it's basically a day where you can come to school in non-uniform clothes, sometimes in exchange for a contribution to charity. Good for rooting out the poor for later ridicule, as they'll (a) not want to wear their scabby non-uniform clothes, and (b) not be able to afford the 50p tax.

Ronnie is in Red, I am in blue.

Hang on...

Whose office?

We're still talking about The Bill, aren't we?

gaymore

yes, a bit

right, poos

i was about 10, and it was a mufti day in school, and because nobody can concentrate on mufti days we went outside for a game of rounders

i was fielding, but because the batsmen were all right handed, nobody was hitting anything my way

and i needed the toilet but i knew there was a left handed batsman coming up and i wanted to prove my worth as a fielder

Admirable

so about ten minutes pass, me standing there hopping from foot to foot

and then the ball comes my way

and he's given it a good whacking, i've got to run for it

 and running isn't really the best thing when you're trying to hold a poo in

I can imagine the feeling of that - I bet you had to keep your legs together while you ran

yes, i was running like an absolute twat

Which isn't the best thing to do when surrounded by children

but i caught it, anyway

Excellent work

and in the excitement, i accidentally shat myself

only a little bit, mind

Was it quick? A little nugget?

a bit came out, and i tensed again and it curled it off

Quick crimping

but the exodus had begun

there wasn't much time to hold the rest in

so i just carried on running until i got to the bogs

Still holding the ball?

oh yes

I have no idea where this is going. I'm very excited.

the poo was quite a dry, firm one, so i was able to pick it out of my boxers (with toilet roll, not my bare fingers) and put it in the loo without much damage being caused to my clothing

So far, you've behaved impeccably

all in all, i was quite pleased with how i handled the situation, so i strolled back out to the yard with a smile on my face

but of course they'd been seven minutes or so without a ball, and they'd even sent someone to look for me

so i had to make up an excuse for my extended departure

Think man, think!

What did you say?

i said

that i dropped the ball after i caught it and accidentally kicked it away

and when i went to get it, i heard someone calling my name

so i went over to the railings (there was a building covering me, so they wouldn't know what had really happened)

Clever

I would have just said "I pood in my knickers"

i should have done, really

they would have taken it as a kind hearted joke

No - I admire your guile

i told them i heard someone calling my name, and it was a ghost driving a taxi who asked me for directions

YES!

Dazzle them

and i got sent inside and wasn't allowed to finish the game

so much for my devotion to rounders

i shat myself for the game, and i didn't even get to see it through

It's so unfair

Were you wearing shorts?

I was just imagining a tumbling trail of plops as you ran to the toilet.

luckily, no

given that it was mufti we didn't need PE kit

so i was just wearing some green trousers