Daniel O'Donnell's World

One of the best pages to write in PC Zone – the magazine I write for, and in case you didn’t know, the magazine that pipes a square one into the face of PC Gamer, which licks its lips and looks thankful – is the Meet The Team page. I get to write 35 words about everyone I work with, and because no-one really minds what I say about them, I get to write stuff like this.

Jamie dressed up like a heron and staged a rooftop protest in which he flung eggs down the chimney. When bystanders asked what point he could possible by making, his only reply was to drop his trousers and look sad.

Suzy cannot maintain eye contact with foreigners, because she thinks they want to eat her. And she’s absolutely right – she’s full of delicious jelly beans that abroad-sorts love!

Will is so secure in his heterosexuality that he can maintain an unembarrassed embrace with a bricklayer for over three days, until the bricklayer has died of thirst.

This month, no-one really batted an eyelid when I implied that Will abuses animals. But heaven knows, I don’t want to fall into a rut, so I was trying to approach Steve’s Irishness without resorting to the office clichés, which are;

1. Sorry Steve, I can’t hear you. You appear to be made entirely out of potatoes.
2. Steve, could you put The Yellow Book of Lecan into the toilet please?
3. Hey Steve, in terms of endlessly repeated racial slurs, have we worn Leprechauns out yet?

My thoughts turned, as they so often do, to Daniel O’Donnell, and I decided to go to his website, to see if there were any clues as to a sophisticated Irish joke that had never been made before. And stop right there, thank you very much… this is what greets visitors to Daniel’s site. Is it a joke? Well is it? A joke?

Welcome to the Original Daniel O’Donnell Website

I’m delighted to welcome you to the original Daniel O’Donnell website. I felt that when Buckingham Palace got their own internet presence that I needed to have one as well. I hope that you will take some time to look through what we have included and that you will find it informative.

Daniel! You’ve sold over thirty-nine cubic terametres of music in your lifetime. You hold tea parties in which everyone in the fucking WORLD is connected directly to a gigantic tea-filled dirigible with your face on it. This tea party was talked about the world over! OUR QUEEN IS BUT A HAIR ON YOUR GORGEOUS SCALP.

This is an actual conversation between Daniel and his mother. I know it happened because I can’t see any way that it hasn’t.
SCENE 1 : DANIEL’S HOUSE
Daniel sits with his mother in the lounge. She has put the kettle on. The kettle is five hundred feet high and boils all the water in Ireland. Daniel reclines.
DANIEL
They’ve got a swan on the Royal Family’s website, mother. A feckin’ swan. She’s actually got men in boats, rowing around and counting her swans. The power that woman has, it’s unimaginable.
DANIEL’S MOTHER
Well, I’m sure I don’t know why she’d do that, Daniel. Swans indeed.
Daniel’s Mother gathers six dozen hoses from a cupboard under the stairs.
DANIEL
She gives people medals, you know.
DANIEL’S MOTHER
You gave that wee girl a badge with your face on it. It was as big as she was, that badge. She rolled off down the hill. You’re a generous man, Daniel. What kind of woman gives away medals for poetry? A woman with something to prove, is who.
Daniel’s Mother connects the hoses up to delivery spouts on the bottom of the kettle, and hurls the other ends out of the window.
DANIEL
Mother, is it scientifically possible to turn the sun into a medal? If I turned the sun into a big golden medal, with my face on it, then I’d be a kind of God. Then I could get that bitch’s dragonball once and for all.
Daniel’s Mother turns a series of enormous valves, and a light rain of tea drops from their hovering castle forms a rainbow with Daniel O’Donnell’s face.
DANIEL’S MOTHER
I don’t see why we couldn’t do that, Daniel.
DANIEL
Excellent! I’ll get my ceremonial robes. Tell the engine room to put all the livestock into the furnace – we’re taking this castle to Buckingham Palace!
WILL DANIEL DEFEAT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND, AND HARNESS THE POWERS OF THE FIFTH DRAGONBALL? WHAT IS THE SECRET BEHIND HIS TEA-MAKING FACILITIES?
Don’t miss the dramatic conclusion, which will feature the entire cast of every television show ever made in a series of cameos lasting two years.
In case you missed it, here’s the link again to Romancing The Tea’s page on Daniel O’Donnell. It really is the best thing I’ve ever seen on the internet.