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I heard you wanted me to type up all the scripts for every Doctor Who episode ever, so I did. Cheers DOCTOR ONE: THE GRUMPY ONE DOCTOR Here we are at last! In the year 12 million BC COMPANION Doctor! It’s a dinosaur DOCTOR Yes, you stupid girl. It is a dinosaur. Here, have a little … Read more
I was thrilled to hear about a book called Bear. Not so thrilled that I bought it, you understand. And nowhere near thrilled enough to consider reading it. I was, however, thrilled enough to read a punchy synopsis on a Reddit thread. It is a book where a woman whops them out for a literal bear. … Read more
Following is a list of the first 100 Police Academy films, as they appear in Halliwell’s Film Guide. Police Academy Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment Police Academy 3: Back in Training Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach Police Academy 6: City Under Siege Police Academy 7: Mission To … Read more
I recently performed, or “read out”, a piece I’d written for Reads Like A Seven, at the kind request of One Life Left‘s Ste Curran. What I wrote was a mixture of sincerity, confession and juvenile scatology, and because it’s 2,500 words, I’m not going to blather on here. TL:DR; I shit on my balls in Austria, I’m … Read more
Simon Chong is the best human being there is. He turned the previous blog post script, which we performed here – (jump to 34 minutes in) [soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/115774153″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /] into this I rest my case. Simon Chong. Best human being.
SCENE ONE: HOW DIANA AND PRINCE CHARLES MET DIANA Howay jugalugs, I bet my tits are bigger than your arse CHARLES No way you fancy Nancy, I gots them juicy Windsor boo-tarks. Charles slaps his ass and juggles his buttocks in a wild infinity loop DIANA Fuck off Wales, I’m gonna lay down a monkey … Read more
Now that More Magazine has been closed, it falls to enthusiastic amateurs to give teenage ladies their sexy tips. SHOTGUN! 1/ Cover a part of your body with a serviette. Roughly 75% of the way through your steamy sesh, whip off the serviette and say “there’s another bit for ya“. 2/ Tug at his balls … Read more
TELL ME SIR DO YOU LOVE AMERICA Yes I love America I MEAN LIKE REALLY LOVE IT. LIKE, CAN YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR TORSO LIKE AN UNCEASING STORM I feel it in my heart, I love America LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY SIR. TELL ME HAVE YOU EVER / EVER REALLY REALLY LOVED … Read more
This is one of the Ricky Gervais horses I was talking about in the title. I have “photoshopped” Ricky into the picture for comparison. Notice the similarity of the mouths. If you can measure a man’s happiness and success by how wide fucking open his mouth is, Ricky Gervais is as happy and successful as … Read more