I heard you wanted me to type up all the scripts for every Doctor Who episode ever, so I did. Cheers
DOCTOR ONE: THE GRUMPY ONE
DOCTOR
Here we are at last! In the year 12 million BC
COMPANION
Doctor! It’s a dinosaur
DOCTOR
Yes, you stupid girl. It is a dinosaur. Here, have a little medal. It’s a medal for having no filters between your eyes and fucking mouth. Like I can’t see it’s a fucking dinosaur. Anything else you’d like to point out? There’s a rock over there. And a few trees. Why don’t you just point at, and name, everything around us? Because THAT WOULDN’T BE BORING OR SHIT
COMPANION
Doctor, what would happen if I encouraged those two Triceratops to fall in love
DOCTOR
I wouldn’t recommend that! Stop matchmaking those Triceratops you wee shitey bastard
DOCTOR TWO: THE WHIMSICAL ONE
THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
Doctor Who, you stand accused of fannying about in the time streams. How do you plead to this
DOCTOR WHO
Would you like some candy floss? It tastes delicious, and you can stuff it into your ears while I play the piccolo if you like
THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
This is a very serious charge, The Doctor Who. Please stop pulling the flags of the world out of that top hat
DOCTOR WHO
Ohoho! What what. How are you saying that with a mouth full of ostrich feathers?
THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
[spitting out the feathers in huffy outrage]
Wh-wh-what! This case is dismissed due to levels of wackiness that are out of our jurisdiction. Doctor Who you can go on your next adventure now.
DOCTOR WHO
Oh no I’ve trod on a Jelly Baby
DOCTOR THREE: THE FIGHTY ONE
COMPANION
Doctor! I have studied the aliens and it looks like they have a weak spot: they are weak to a punch in the dick
DOCTOR
Excellent, Sandy. I’m going to pummel the shit out of these pricks
COMPANION
But wait! Don’t you need to reverse the polarities of the neutron flow to their nutbags?
DOCTOR
No, I reckon this and the next seven adventures will probably be OK with loads of punching. I’m gonna punch you too.
DOCTOR WHO TURNS TO THE CAMERA
DOCTOR
And you. Oh yes, I’m going to enjoy punching you most of all, James Lovatt of Ramsay Drive, Arnold, Nottingham, England, Planet Earth
DOCTORS FOUR AND FIVE: THE CONJOINED ONES
DOCTOR FOUR
I don’t remember this era of Doctor Who
DOCTOR FIVE
No, I think it’s mainly a way of doing two doctors at once, after realising writing eleven scripts was a bit much
DOCTOR FOUR
It certainly seems that way. He’s even foregone including a plot, opting for the easy “breaking the fourth wall” path of knowing half-apology
DOCTOR FIVE
Yeah, talk about having your lazy cake and eating it, while sat on your fat creative arse. And this flagellating self-reference is all a bit Jimmy Corrigan for my liking
DOCTOR FOUR
So, right. I suppose we’re going to do something gay now. Like make out.
DOCTOR FIVE
It wouldn’t fucking surprise me. It’s just the kind of shit he’d think he could get away with. What a moribund fuck
DOCTOR FOUR
Oh no I’m regenerating help
DOCTOR FIVE
Me too shit bye bye everyone
DOCTOR SIX: THE SEXY ONE
CLARA
What’s up Doctor? I hear there’s a topless Cyberlady on the loose in Leicester
DOCTOR HOO
Yes. I sense a colossal disturbance in the fabric of the universe.
CLARA
We should definitely go and check that out.
DOCTOR
No, Clara. I think you misunderstood. I was referring to the colossal disturbance in the fabric of the universe in my trousers, created by my Timedick
CLARA
Doctor not again
DOCTOR
Hahahahahaa! YES! AGAIN
CLARA
I’ll fetch K-9
DOCTOR
Yes you will! I’m two thousand years old and I fuck tin dogs
K-9
IT IS IN MY NATURE TO OBEY
DOCTOR SEVEN: THE ONE WITH CELERY
ACE
Hello Doctor!
DOCTOR
HELLO ACE! DO YOU WANT SOME CELERY
ACE
No Doctor! We’ve already eaten so much celery
DOCTOR
WELL JUST HOLD ONTO THIS BIT UNTIL YOU’RE PECKISH DEAR
ACE
Doctor I don’t even like celery
[BEAT]
DOCTOR [MAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS]
Get out of my TARDIS you horrible shitbag
ACE
You never even asked if I liked celery. You just made me eat it again and again, to the exclusion of foods with essential nutrients
DOCTOR
I can’t hear you Ace. Perhaps if you had some celery in your mouth I’d be able to listen, and eventually address, your concerns
ACE
EATING CELERY SOUNDS
DOCTOR
You’re so pretty with celery leaves coming out of your mouth. Never stop eating celery Ace, even when I’m not there. I’ll know if you’ve ever stopped Ace. I’m a Timelord Ace
DOCTOR EIGHT: THE SHORT-LIVED ONE
NURSE
Hello I am a nurse
DOCTOR
Hello I am the doctor
NURSE
I find your anatomy quite appealing
DOCTOR
Hey cool let’s actually fall in love because that’s what I do now
NURSE
Whoa it’s the Master
THE MASTER
What what in the butt
I said what what in the butt
DOCTOR
What is he saying darling
NURSE
He’s saying what what in the butt doctor. It’s a viral song from 2007 by Samwell
THE MASTER
You wanna do it in my butt? In my butt? OK!
THEY ALL DANCE AS A NEW MILLENNIUM DAWNS
DOCTOR NINE: THE ANGRY ONE
ROSE TYLER
Woof! I am the Big Bad Wolf
DOCTOR WHO
What’s going on Rose
ROSE
Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf
DOCTOR WHO
Give it a rest love
ROSE
BAAAAD WOOOOOLF
DOCTOR WHO
THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED AFTER KILLING ALL THE TIMELORDS IN THE MOST UPSETTING CHAPTER OF MY LIFE TO DATE
ROSE
BAD WOLF
DOCTOR WHO
Rose I Love you
ROSE
WOOF WOOF I RUV ROO TOO
DOCTOR TEN: THE UPBEAT LOVELY ONE
DONNA
Hello!
DOCTOR
Hello Donna Noble! You’re brilliant. You know what else is brilliant? Milk! I love milk. But not as much as I love cookies! Don’t you love cookies? Of course you do. Who doesn’t love cookies? I had a cookie once that was made out of dog shit. It wasn’t the best cookie in the world if I’m being honest. Still though, it WAS a cookie, and that’s got to count for something, hasn’t it?
DONNA
Fuckin’ ell, it’s a dalek
DOCTOR
No! Daleks! I hate Daleks. They’re not very nice you see. Now I’m ever so angry. Really I am. Those Daleks have got me hopping mad Donna. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry Donna, I’m a proper grouchypuss
DONNA
Doctor, they’ve really fucked up the universe this time. I can’t see any way back from this one.
DOCTOR
Don’t worry! The episodes like that, when there is no legitimately foreseeable way to restore the universe, always have the MOST satisfying conclusions!
DONNA
Hurray!
DOCTOR ELEVEN: THE PARADOXICAL ONE
DOCTOR
Let’s listen to some music Amy Pond
AMY POND
But you’ve only got two CDs! One by an Irish girl band, and another by a multinational Korean Pop Group! And you can never decide which one to play!
DOCTOR
That’s true! The Corrs and f(x) are totally interchangeable as far as I’m concerned
AMY POND
Heyooooo
DOCTOR
Geronimoooo
AMY POND
Next week on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, Goldie Hawn will dance in a bikini for your delight!
Doctor Twelve is sub judice and cannot legally be involved in a stupid script by a fucking idiot at this stage
If you want to listen to an unfinished version of this blog post read out by three chuckling fucks, why not listen to Regular Features?
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