Do you like video games? Yes, you do. I know you do. You like video games so much, don’t you?
But do you know why you like video games?
You like video games because everyone likes video games. Stop acting like it’s your thing.
Look! I’ve got a video game in my hands right now! Do you want it? Yes you do! You want me to throw it so you can catch it in your mouth!
I’m going to offer you a deal. If you wanna play this game – really wanna play it – you’re gonna have to jump up and down and scream until I’m convinced that you deserve to play it. I had to sulk for thirty minutes before my dad would cave and buy me anything I wanted, and you need to learn the value of things.
The video game I am holding is 1982’s The Hobbit. This game – this fucking game – is etched into the very taint of my fundament, for two reasons. Firstly, because we were allowed to play it on Friday afternoons at primary school, if we’d been really clever. And I, being the cleverest boy in Arnold, would strut up and down the classroom in my shiny buckled shoes, saying my two catchphrases:
I have seen Ghostbusters twelve times, ask me anything about Terror Dogs
Jonathan Blyth, Aged 9
and of course
“School is for cunts, I just wanna play The Hobbit until I DIE”
Jonathan Blyth, Aged 9
The Hobbit (1982) was an illustrated text adventure, and featured a few innovations that were peculiar and noteworthy for the time. (Here’s a Guardian article about it. Just don’t click about in case you get turned into a cranky transphobic libshit). Those innovations in full:
- You play the role of a Hobbit. Literally no other game had made you a hairy-footed freak before, and this game was so good at it, it made everyone totally hornbags for halflings. In particular: me, before I grew up and got into Gimli.
- It’s a real-time text only adventure game, which means if you dare to read the text for any revealing information about the horrible troll you’ve just seen, the game will automatically type in “wait” for you and the troll will fucking EAT you
- The surprisingly sophisticated parser allowed for more complicated sentences than that dumb game for babies, The Saga Of Erik The Viking. You could type ATTACK THE TROLL WITH THE BLUE SWORD QUIETLY. That’s right. You heard. Adverbs.
Adverbs in The Hobbit worked just like real life adverbs: they did nothing but make a sentence longer and made you sound like a showy prick who’s trying to impress the teacher. I’ve not used one adverb in this post so far, because I’m above that try-hard nonsense.
Quite early on in the game – after getting ate by a troll for auto-Waiting near him, and trying to pick up a map viciously, you get locked in a goblins’ dungeon. This is the second reason it is etched – as you will recall – into the very taint of my fundament.
I want you to picture the scene: me, a little Hobbit, one year before he realised he was a little gay hobbit, stuck in a mean goblins’ dungeon. I had tried every direction, and been told that I couldn’t go that way. There was a window I couldn’t reach, a trapdoor I couldn’t use.
There was nothing in the dungeon to pick up, least of all another hot man hobbit, and even if there was one of those, I just told you I wasn’t gay yet, so stop making this weird.
Stuck for ideas, I’d just stare at the screen, and this innovative real-time game would auto-Wait on my behalf. Every now and then, that Wait would trigger the entrance of Thorin or Gandalf into my prison. And there they stood, until they were auto-Waited away, back to living their mysterious lives in the rest of Misty Mountain. Leaving me, moments closer to realising I was gay on that fateful day in 1984, but no less trapped in a goblins’ dungeon.
The clock was ticking. I was getting gayer by the minute.
I know I didn’t solve this puzzle. All I know is that when someone told me that the solution was to ask Thorin or Gandalf to carry you, my brain went a bit wild.
First, I was furious that I was expected to suddenly guess that text only adventures could suddenly deal with sentences of that complexity. Second, if I’d known we could carry each other I would have been on all fours from the very first room, like the horse that I am. Finally, I realised that the true goblins’ prison was my lack of belief in the computer. Having had the ceiling of my expectations completely blown apart, I tried saying EVERYTHING to EVERYONE
SAY TO ELROND “WHAT IS SIX TIMES SEVEN”
SAY TO THE MEAN GOBLIN “WHAT MADE YOU MEAN”
SAY TO GANDALF “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME FILTHY AND WET IN THE PRISON”
SAY TO THORIN “YOU COULD SEE I WAS IN DISTRESS, WHAT WAS IT IN YOUR NATURE THAT LED YOU TO BLITHELY WANDER IN AND OUT OF MY PRISON WHILE I LAY CAKED IN MY OWN HOBBIT BOB”
See? I was so desperate, I even threw BLITHELY in there, figuring that the game loves adverbs so much, maybe I should stoop to its level.
This has CLEARLY been bothering me for FORTY YEARS so I thought I’d finally get it out of my system with a screenplay of what actually happened in that Misty Mountain, beyond the processing power of a 48k ZX Spectrum.
SCENE ONE: THE MEAN GOBLINS’ DUNGEON
NARRATOR
After entering through a seemingly insignificant crack in the mountain, Bilbo Baggins has been captured by mean goblins and thrown into a jail cell deep in the guts of Misty Mountain.
BILBO
Wow what a couple of mean goblins! I’m just a tubby little hobbit who eats honey out of the pot, what did I do to deserve THIS
THORIN ENTERS
BILBO
Oh Thorin! Thank Goodness you’re here! I’m stuck in this impregnable chamber and I’m worried I might die before I’m gay
GANDALF ENTERS
BILBO
Gandalf! My dear friend! My bumbo chumbo! My platinum-tier palomino! Would you…
THORIN LEAVES
BILBO
Sorry Thorin I wasn’t ignoring you I was just talking to Gandalf…
GANDALF LEAVES
BILBO
What the fuck? My buddies, my pals, just deserted me, their lil Dolly Halfling? Their lil’ Hobby Wobby? Hmmm. However… from their casual ingress and subsequent egress I can conclude that this room isn’t a perfect gaol. I shall try walking in all eight directions.
Go North. OW FUCK THAT’S A WALL.
Go North-East. OH MY NOSE SHIT
Go East. CHRIST WHY ARE THESE ROCKS SO SHARP AND HOBBIT COCK-HEIGHT
Go South East OH GOD MY SHORT LEGS ARE SO CUT UP AND MY BEAUTIFUL FOOT HAIR IS MATTED WITH BLOOD AND MY WOUNDS ARE FILLED WITH FUNGAL CAVE SLIME
THORIN ENTERS
BILBO
Thorin please listen to me I’ve got to get out of here
THORIN LEAVES
BILBO
FUCK YOU
SCENE 2: THE UNDERGROUND BAR FOR GANDALVES
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in a nearby speakeasy, all the different coloured Gandalfs are chilling out in an exclusive bar for Gandalves
GANDALF THE GREY
Hey Gandalf
GANDALF THE WHITE
Oh hey Gandalf. Don’t think I’ve met you before
GANDALF THE GREY
What’re you drinking?
GANDALF THE WHITE
What AREN’T I drinking hahaha
GANDALF THE GREY
LOL. You seem like a lot of fun. Did you know, I know over 200 spells for opening doors
GANDALF THE WHITE
That’s amazing. I didn’t even know there were 200 doors
GANDALF THE GREY
Oh yeah there’s loads of doors out there
GANDALF THE MANY COLOURED ENTERS
GANDALF THE MANY COLOURED
Hey Gandalfs
GANDALVES GREY AND WHITE
HEEEEY Gandalf
GANDALF THE MANY COLOURED
Apropos of FUCK ALL, I was just thinking about how the asshole is the door to your guts
GANDALF THE GREY
That gives me 200 ideas
SCENE 3: BACK IN BILBO’S PIT
NARRATOR
Back in Bilbo Baggins prison chamber, Bilbo continues his escape attempt by walking in different directions
BILBO
Go South: FUUUCK WALKING INTO WALLS JUST HURTS MORE EVERY TIME YOU DO IT, WHY IS THAT?
Still. Only three more directions to try. Go South-West
THORIN ENTERS
BILBO
Oh hey, Thorin. Come to stand still for a bit then fuck off again have you
THORIN
You’ve already done South-West. You were going anti-clockwise starting at North.
BILBO
No I wasn’t. I went North first then North East.
THORIN
Don’t think so. Anyway, that’s not North.
BILBO
What?
THORIN [pointing South-East]
THAT’s North, over there. You’re all fucked about mate
BILBO
Stop waving your hands in front of my face while you’re talking, I’m getting dizzy
THORIN LEAVES
BILBO
So help me Thorin, by the hairs on my footy foot foot
THORIN [shouting from a distance]
Having hairy feet isn’t a personality mate
BILBO
I’ll show them. I’m gonna be so gay soon. Then I’ll be gay AND hairy. So nuanced
SCENE FOUR: THORIN KISSES TWO MEAN GOBLIN LADS
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in a convenient room adjoining the prison, Thorin has cosied up to the mean goblins, and things are hotting up
MEAN GOBLIN
Hey Thorin, ya beefy dingbat, where do you keep effing off to?
THORIN
You’re such a mean goblin! I love it!
DISGUSTING GOBLIN
Answer my mean buddy’s question or I’ll chew you a new dick, then suck it off
THORIN
Both of you! So rude! To be honest, I keep going next door because my mate’s trapped in there and he’s not gay enough to ask me to carry him yet
MEAN GOBLIN
Oh my God, that’s so sad, right now.
THORIN
What… why aren’t you being mean
MEAN GOBLIN
Because it’s not fun when it’s really mean, oh my God.
DISGUSTING GOBLIN
I can’t even, with my face, and what have you, so sad
MEAN GOBLIN
Oh my God, I’m crying
DISGUSTING GOBLIN
Honey you get back in that room right now and you stand facing away from that grubby little Hobbit, and you bend over, and you pat your god-damn ass cheeks until he’s so gay he begs you to rest those lovely little thighs on those hot love handles and carry him out of that prison
THORIN
Alright, I will. But only after we’ve all touched tongues at the same time
MEAN GOBLIN
Oh My God, you nasty human slag
DISGUSTING GOBLIN
I love it, oh my God, so hot.
[They all stick their tongues out as far as they can and lean in like they’re scared but thrilled about what will happen when their tongues touch]
SCENE FIVE: BILBO BREAKS GAY
NARRATOR
Back in Bilbo’s prison cell, Bilbo has exhausted every direction and has starting trying to pick up things that aren’t explicitly stated as being there, but must logically be there by virtue of his location
LOG
Get rock
Use head on wall
Eat sand until dead
THORIN ENTERS
GANDALF ENTERS
BILBO
Leave me alone. I can’t escape and this room doesn’t understand a word I’m saying
THORIN
I’m sorry baby. I wanted you to figure it out for yourself. But you need me to carry you, and that’s OK.
GANDALF
It’s OK Bilbo. Video games are moving fast right now. Most people don’t understand what’s possible, so it’s not strange that an 8 year old would begin to think they’re magical. Magical like me, Gandalf, the wizard.
THORIN
Just hop on! Hop onto my ass! I will carry you
LOG
Thank you! Thank you both, my beloved cum chums
GANDALF
What did you say
LOG
What? I don’t… I wasn’t thinking… It just came out
THORIN
Did you say cum chums
GANDALF
I think he’s about to…
BILBO
Guys… I think I’m gay
THORIN
I’m so proud of you baby
GANDALF
Now we can finally get you out of this prison
BILBO
Gay for gallons of cum
GALDALF
OK, walk before you run mate
BILBO
NOW THE REAL ADVENTURE BEGINS
After completing The Hobbit, I would continue to be gay with fantasy creatures and the gym equipment section of the Argos catalogue for another eight years, before coming out to the surprise of no-one.