I'm A Yummy Mummy

I’ve always had this problem fitting in (to small spaces = fat lol). But seriously, I’ve had an awful time in this life, because I always wanted to be accepted. Embraced. But I am now 32, no-one’s ever touched me, and my attempts to join a Premiership football club are met we increasingly unkind refusals.
 So imagine my delight when I read about Yummy Mummies. Liz Frazer says that “A Yummy Mummy is the ultimate modern woman.” That’s me, alright. Bang on the fucking button. So I’ve decided to keep a Yummy Mummy Diary, in which I’ll chronicle what it’s like being a yummy mummy. I’ll wager it’s not all shopping sprees, beauty treatments, and being an awful fucking self-obsessed cunt!
DAY ONE!
I am a Yummy Mummy. Hahahahaha! It’s great! I wear tiny jeans and I have a baby. Two in fact! You have neither of these things and I am the best. I could only be beaten if two other Yummy Mummies joined forces, and we would never do that to each other.
DAY TWO!
I just looked in the mirror and I do have to say that I look great! It’s a good job I’m a Yummy Mummy otherwise I would look like some kind of face-mangled barrow of shit! Seriously, with every day that passes, I think I grow in the dual characteristics of yumminess, and mumminess.
DAY THREE!
There was a slight imbalance today, as I became slightly more yummy than I am a mummy. One of my daughters got ripped up in a rotating door. Now I have to be ever-so-slightly less yummy until I can drop another one! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT? To cheer myself up I looked at the word Prada in a magazine and promised myself a new thimble. Yummy Mummies love thimbles! We fill them with off milk and swing them around our heads!
DAY FOUR!
Great news! I found thirty babies in the local school, just lying around all unconscious from the poison gas I had put into their mashed potatoes! Now when I put them into my Yummy Mummy conversion machine, I’ll be the Yummiest Mummy in the Midlands! The other Yummy Mummies will be so jealous. They will hate me. And once I have won the Midlands Badge, I will have enough to compete in the London Finals!
DAY FIVE!
I had to fight another Yummy Mummy today. It is always a sad thing when Yummy Mummies must resort to combat, but there is a growing tide of evil Yummy Mummies riding in from the Western regions. I was ambushed outside an exclusive shop that I totally go to all the time. A Level 5 Dark Yummy Mummy launched two of her children at me, and starting building energy for a solar flare. Luckily I took advantage of her momentary inaction, and put my knee in her cuntbone. As is usual in these circumstances, I gave her children the opportunity to join me or die. They joined me, so I’m yummier than ever!
WEEKEND!
It’s the weekend now, and Yummy Mummies must return to the home planet for womb rinsing. See you on Monday!
YUMMY MUMMIES ASSEMBLE!