Board Meeting At Gorbachocâ„¢

THE BOARDROOM OF GORBACHOCâ„¢ ENTERPRISE

After three years of continuous decline, Gorbachoc Enterprise have decided to use advanced taste science to boost the desirability of their chocolate product. The day has finally come for the unveiling of the new chocolate.
Boris
This chocolate is one of the finest we have ever tasted.
Scientist
Thank you. It’s mainly down to a small reconfiguration of the ingredients. We used milk, where previously you had used vinegar and spicy livers.
Boris
We will have to take the picture of spiced livers off the wrapper, then. It would be misleading to have a dissected and heavily paprika’d rat on our packaging if the customer is to be eating milk.
Scientist
I’ve also increased the level of cocoa solids from 0% to around 50%.
Boris
I am not sure what you are saying, but it is soothing and hypnotic.
Scientist
But this increase, sadly, meant that I had to lower the shit and piss content.
Alana
This is outrageous! He is uprooting our fundamentals! Where will we shit and piss now?
Boris
Calm, Alana. Were I a younger man, Scientist, I would say you had gone too far. However, my experience in life has taught me that there is always a place to shit and piss. We will go in the liitle room underneath the staircase.
TWO WEEKS LATER : MARKETING DIVISION
MARKETING GUY PRESENTS HIS NEW ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN TO BORIS AND ALANA
Marketing Guy
Hey. Nice face. Seriously. Liking the face. Yours too. Couple a great faces here, yeah.
Boris
Your pe…
Marketing Guy
Not. Another. Word. I know what you’re thinking – why’s this guy standing there with his dick out? It’s a metaphor, Boris. This is how far I’m willing to go for you.
Boris
You are willing to get your penis out for my chocolate?
Marketing Guy
Metaphorically, yes.
Alana
But your penis is out.
Marketing Guy
Also literally. Let’s not ass-fuck the labrador, Boris, Alan, here’s what I’ve got.

Marketing Guy
See the background? That’s like the Matrix. This girl lives in a messed-up world. The only thing that keeps her going since she was reborn into hell – Russia – is the reassuring taste of Gorbachoc.
Alana
I have seen the Matrix. I watch every film with a character called Tank. Generally they are very attractive men, although sometimes they are just fat. This usually results in a desolate mood, and the digging out of old magazines.
Marketing Guy
So this girl, she’s like The One. The One who gets to enjoy delicious chocolate for every meal. That’s why she’s so happy. Mona Lisa happy. I’ve done some market research here. You know that Mona Lisa? They asked her what she was feeling. She said she was 83% happy, right? And 9% disgusted. Also 6% fearful, and 2% angry. You got that? That’s like getting a big cake – the best cake in the world. You’re happy. Then you see a caterpillar on it. Ew. But it’s still a big, excellent cake. So it doesn’t bother you too much. But then the caterpillar says “yo mama”. A talking caterpillar on your cake? That’s freaky! Now you’re scared! But hang on, that caterpillar is ragging on yo ma… who the fuck does he think he is? Angry! That’s what happened to the Mona Lisa. And we recreated those conditions exactly to get this photograph. I’d like to introduce you to Steve. He played the caterpillar.
Steve
Yo mama!
BORIS AND ALANA APPLAUD
Marketing Guy
Sir – Madam – this girl is gonna sell you some chocolate. It’s little Obligata you should be applauding. And I don’t think you should ever stop.
BORIS AND ALANA CONTINUE APPLAUDING FOREVER
How will the Chocolate Relaunch go? Will the Russians adopt little Obligata as a national mascot, or will she end up old before her years, a teen crack slut turning OAP tricks for cash? Find out… if I ever bother to write another one of these!