Hi. I’m Log! I’ve been writing in this blog for about six months now, and I don’t feel like we know each other. Let me tell you about my day!
The first thing I do, every morning, is fling my legs gaily from the bedclothes, tap my foot on the floor – rat-a-tat-tat – and hurl myself into the rampant position. I open the window, and catch the bread that I slung into the sky on the previous night (I am a really good thrower). It’s toasted golden by re-entry, and covered in a thick layer of salty butter that I choose not to question.
I stride into my work, where I am the boss. I go into the kitchen, and say saying something amazing, like “Somebody make me a coffee, before I die from MONDAY”. By eleven o’ clock I’m bored of work, so I wink at someone, shout “Haha! Daventry won’t streamline itself!” before putting my hands on my hips and thrusting my groin at the door. In response, the door swings opens, and the force of my thrust carries me through.
Then, I walk around town for a bit. Thanks to a muscular deformity (by which I mean superpower) in my ankles, I’ve got this awesome skill – I can do a somersault without even bending my knees. I spend a lot of time standing outside restaurants, staring at couples eating their meals. They ignore me for a while, but eventually the woman gets upset, the man starts to get angry, and just as he stands up, I do this insane backflip, without even bending my knees. There’s a brief moment of indecision on his face, before I put a lady’s wig on, kiss him, and run off.
By 4pm I’m hungry, so I go into Greggs the Bakers and eat pretty much everything, by which I mean two sausage rolls. They’re best when they’re fresh, but sometimes they’re too hot, so I put the end to my mouth and blow, to cool the meat. Only thing is, my lungs are totally bionic and I often blow the meat into a pram, and the mother’s all like “Oh God there’s steaming pork on my baby” and I look unimpressed and say “if that was Scooby Doo it would have eaten it by now” and the woman says “it’s not Scooby Doo it’s a baby”, and I say “well if you’re just going to state the obvious I’m going home”.
When I get home, they’ll have delivered my new carpet. I get these amazing carpets imported every day. They’re like totally turbo-soft, and if you get really close you can see it’s made of fuckin’ dogs, which is totally amazing.
Awoo
It’s comfy as hell, like, but you have to get a new one every day as their little skulls break. After an evening of dancing around to The Spin Doctors and REM, you’re wading around in crushed jawbones, vitreous humour and adorable little puppy paws. I’ll tell you something for nothing, though – for microscopic puppies, they bleed like your fucking mother used to.
It’s nearly bedtime now, so I rinse the blood and pork off my face, and set about saying my prayers. I believe in Jesus who died on the cross, although I really don’t get what God was up, only having one Jesus.
If I was God I would have had around ten thousand Jesus, like one every 200 miles or something, so people would say “did you see that guy who rode around Bethlehem on a donkey?” and someone would say “no way there was some dude on a donkey in Nazareth or something like ON THE SAME DAY” and they would say “either that donkey is a fast as Log or he is a fucking miracle worker”.
And when boats were invented and people found other countries, they’d say “we worship this guy on a really fast donkey who you can’t kill” and they’d say “What, the bloke with the beard? We’ve got him too, fuckin a!” I mean all respect due to God, but I think he really fucked up the whole Jesus thing. I could definitely have done it better, especially sincewatching Bruce Almighty, which outlines most of the common “human with God’s power” pitfalls.
That’s the prayer I say every night, before chucking some bread into the sky and going to bed. I totally feel l like I know you all better, now I’ve told you all about myself. If you want to share anything of your own daily routine with me, feel free. I’m utterly, utterly going to give a shit.
Well, ain’t you the cutest. I think you’d make a great Jesus. Except that you’re ginger. People would say, “Is that Jesus?” and someone else would say, “No, you daft, look at his hair! That’s Saint Patrick.”
What’s weird about that story is that every night I make myself some nice toast with thick butter on it, then decide I don’t want it and hurl it into the sky at a *slight* angle. Every morning, I wake up and there’s a plain bit of bread on the window sill – the butter is gone and it’s cooled back to regular softness.
Huh.
SL
Thing is, I think I can solve your delicious butter mystery.
You see, similar to you ( although not as crazy hot ) I too have some super powers. Mine, however, are rather more protracted and frankly useless… I have an extra eye on my heel and the worlds strongest urethra.
You see every night I’m filled with self-loathing and crackling sexual lust and have to masturbate, not so odd you may think. But, as my urethra has the power to project my gametes at sometimes super sonic speed, I have to ejaculate up into the air ( it makes a noise a bit like a swanny whistle. )
I fear this maybe where your mystery rich butter comes from.
I do double churn my testicles for spreadability.
I feel like I know you better know, so I’d like to share a fact about myself.
Fact about myself = luxuriant pubez.
Thanx.
You know I meant “know you better now”.
Fact about myself = idiot.
I love the nano-second of confusion in a Greggs employee’s eyes you get when you ask for anything other than two sausage rolls.
Funniest blog entry I’ve read in months. HA!
I agree with what that person says (above). I’ve basically pissed all over myself and my entire family in mirth. My Aunt is rolling around in wee and she can’t even swim. Thanks a bloody lot.
The Greggs near where I used to work used to do a ‘meal deal’ in an attempt to lure the de rigeur aesthete clientele that would usually take their custom to fancier shops (such as M&S or even Benjy’s, so low is Greggs’ stock in the food trade).
Their ‘meal’ consisted of an aorta-rupturing: Pasty + doughnut + bag of crisps + can of pop.
Stick THAT in your Gillian McKeith and smoke it…
Also they have a really fucking rubbish “sausage roll = cock” adverts where a MAN – yes a MAN – in soft focus lowers himself onto a sausage roll with a hand on each buttock, with the caption “you deserve a flaky cock up your arse”.
“I have bitten off a bell-end and it was delicious”
(I am lying a bit, but they do have a poster where a man in soft focus,eyes closed (in case it spunks off on his face, presumably), and his mouth wide open holds a sausage roll inches from his maw. The caption is something like “really satisfying meaty item”.)
SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE! SAUSAGE CHEESE & BEAN SLICE!
To rural readers; Jonesy is referring to the “Sausage Cheese & Bean Slice”. In my travels of Britain, and the Greggs shops therein, I have noticed that some areas are limited to “Sausage & Bean Slices”, although in Cardiff, Sausage Rolls are 47p each, as opposed to 62p in Ealing. Also in Nottingham, you get pizzas served on a sliced baguette, where in London outlets, the pizza slices are served on a single slice of a large bloomer.
INTERESTING DID YOU KNOW : When Charlie Brooker mentioned Gregg’s in his Screen Burn column, the next day a fucking massive tray of pastries arrived at the Endemol offices? I wasn’t working there, then, but if I was, I’d have been a) in there and b) utterly naked.
I reckon I must’ve earned 20p off a Yum-Yum by now.
Sausage & bean slice?
🙁
It must be wonderful to have a Greggs that offers choice. Here in the behorned, hunchbacked, incestuous heart of mid-wales, you have the choice of corned-beef pasties or sausage rolls. ‘Nary a vegetable or dairy product in sight.
For that, you have to go to Sweetmans, and everyone knows the staff there piss on their fists before starting work.
Would YOU take the risk? It’s no fucking wonder we’ve all got scurvy and rickets.
In Llanelli, Sweetmans has been taken over by Jenkins. Or something. My mum reckons.
Greggs is the epitome of epicurian wonderment in comparison to the (thankfully closed now) Mountstevens in Cirencester.
There you could get a sausage roll and cuppa for about 1 groat. I think the ingredients were braised goat eye, mung julienne and gypsy wank, all coated in what I presume was meant to be puff pastry but unfortunately shared more in common with oiled pipe lagging. Imagine the joy of washing that down with warm milky piss. UHT milk at that.
You’d hand over your money and the throwback behind the till would spit in your eye before delivering an astounding backhander with her ladle.
You and your Greggs. Very la-di-da.
My assistant brings cakes from Greggs every Thursday, because she is one of the best people who ever lived. Does this make me happy? No, because it means that I can’t post anything on “lifelong.disappointment”. Perhaps I ought to hoof her in the works.
1. This blog is the best. It has kept me happy through many a dull day at work. Thanks Log.
2. HeWho…. When i was at middle school, i once has a fight with a girl, Sarah. She lived at the end of my road. During the fight (at the end i think), I hoofed her in the works. My mum told me that it was a very, VERY bad thing to do. It had no effect though, she was pushing a pram by 16!
AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Why cant I get away from all of the stupid CUNTS who keep saying ‘Hoof in the Works’?
It’s FUCKING SHIT so STOP IT you COCK.
I quite liked my use of CAPS there.
well since you ask… i spent my day at work on friday doing a consolidated list of ‘A to Z of different varieties of Banter’. Since i sit on a ‘pod’ with three good quality hom-saps, we oft like to categorise banter types subsequent to their usage, so here is the list for you to largely ignore…
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Banter Administrator – The temporary title given to the person handing out the banter. For flipside, see ‘banter recipient’.
Aborted Banter – when an effective self-screening process is implemented and one stops mid-sentence, suddenly aware that the banter is not what they hoped it would be
Budget Banter – Of a low quality, cheap. aka ‘car-boot banter’.
Boomerang Banter – Lines of banter that just won’t go away .
Bespoke Banter – individually tailored for receipient; cannot be used with anyone else. aka ‘invite-only banter’
Bosman Banter – opposite of ‘Bespoke’ – easily transferrable; has high freedom of movement from one potential recipient to the next
Blue Peter Banter – Banter that was clearly ‘prepared earlier’. Aka ‘contrived banter’. Any subsequent kudos should be correspondingly reduced, if not eliminated completely.
Bushwacker banter – aka ‘tag team banter’. when two people gang up and complement each other to improve victimisation efficiency and effectiveness.
Brownian Banter – completely random in its movements, no real sense of direction
Brazilian-Waxed banter – banter that is very neat and tidy – all rough edges have been smoothed out
Betamax banter – banter that never really took off, and as such has potential to be laughed at and ridiculed in several years’ time.
Centipede banter – banter that has ‘got legs’, ie ‘staying power’, or it ‘sticks’. aka ‘copydex banter’.
Contra Banter – when the overall ‘banter business’ between two participants nets off to an overall ‘net banter effect’ of zero. aka ‘PH7 banter’.
Banter Conception Point – a pivotal turning point, or event, which ‘spawns’ future banter. aka ‘self-propagating banter’.
Chernobyl Banter – Banter so bad that it leaves a ‘fall-out’ that can last an indefinite amount of time.
Collateral Banter – When an innocent party is caught in the cross-fire due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They were simply conveniently close when a victim was required.
Cardiologically-deficient banter – Banter that lacks heart.
Compass Banter – Banter that has lost its way, and thus is crying out for direction
Dyson Banter – aka ‘hoover banter’ – banter that is so substandard that it appears to suck the atmosphere out of the room
Dot to Dot banter – aka ‘Ikea banter’ – the banter recipient is provided with all the banter raw materials, and is invited to ‘join the dots’ or ‘assemble’ it himself
Deadly sins banter – banter that elicits envy, pride and, in extreme cases lust.
Empathic banter – banter in which the recipient’s feelings are inexplicably taken into account. aka ‘cotton-wool banter’.
Euthenasia banter – Banter so lacking in any form of discernable ‘life’ that a third party ‘puts all participants out of their misery’
Embryonic banter – not yet the final product, but everything is beginning to take shape. aka ‘transition-state banter’, or ‘banter W.I.P. ‘
Echobanter – banter that was not heard by the recipient the first time of asking so needs repeating by the administrator; usually associated with a reduced effectiveness coefficient of about 50%.
Eyebrow banter – a non-verbal form of banter, in which a ‘knowing look’ is exchanged by two people, usually as the result of behaviour exhibited by a third party that has previously been discussed by the two taking part in the aforementioned eyebrow banter.
Extrapolatory banter – when the potential recipient expects to receive a certain brand of banter as a result of something he or she has just said, by projecting forward lines of banter previously used in similar circumstances
Flippin’ sell-out banter – banter that compromises one’s hitherto firmly-held principles, ie use of double-entendre, or by crowbarring in the ‘F’ part of an A to Z list when one cannot think of anything else beginning with ‘F’
Glass House Banter – when the banter administrator embarks on a banter sojourn that could easily apply to himself
Googlebanter – banter obviously aided by the world wide web
Gravy Banter – a line of banter that supplements an existing, already established line of banter, thus augmenting it and making it more digestible. A Luxury, not a necessity.
Amanda Holden banter – banter that is fine for now, but is beginning to grow stale and drab. aka ‘banter on-the-turn’ or ‘jennifer aniston banter’.
Hit and Run Banter – when the recipient throws some banter the receipient’s way but does not hang around to enable a response. aka ‘drive-by banter’.
‘I can’t believe it’s not banter’ – when the real thing is not available, so a cheaper, less satisfying alternative is used
Isaac Newton Banter – based on the theory of gravity; “what goes up must come down”. Banter that the administrator knows is going to come back and haunt him, but will continue so long as the cost:benefit ratio remains tenable.
JengaBanter – Banter that builds upon top of each other, forming discernible banter ‘layers’. aka ‘banter squared’.
John F Kennedy banter – banter so historically ground-breaking and ‘important’ that everyone can remember where they were when they first participated in it.
Kashmir Banter – reminiscing about historical banter; Kashmir banter occurs when two protagonists duel over ownership of the aforementioned banter.
Lo-value banter – similar to ‘budget banter’. Often comes in an uninspiring, drab ‘package’. This type of banter can oft be found with a ‘Tesco’ prefix.
Month-end banter – snatched and hurried; a general associated lack of thought and precision due to mitigating work-related factors prevailing.
Marquess of Queensbury defying banter – banter deemed by binding arbitration to be ‘below the belt’. aka ‘student vodka banter’ [cheap shot]
Mexican banter stand-off – when potential administrators and recipients are looking at each other and waiting for ‘banter’ to occur. Usually associated with state of high mental alertness.
Banter by Numbers – formulaic banter. Ridicule pertaining to performance of person’s chosen football team the previous day; haircut-based banter
Non-Hovis banter – banter with all the goodness taken out
Off-line banter – potential banter that has to be stored up one’s sleeve for a later time due to the presence of a grown-up. aka ‘parked-up banter’.
Onion Banter – 1. banter with many different layers 2. banter designed to provoke tears from the banter recipient
Prepayment banter – Pre-emptive Banter that relates to event which is to occur in a future month or ‘banter period’, such as a tawdry meeting a colleague is to attend, or a wretched piece of work to be carried out.
Post-it banter – usually used in association with a telephone call. Whilst banter recipient is on phone, ideally to someone of importance, a post-it note is innocently placed in a prominent position in an attempt to induce involuntary mirth. eg it might say “x ate my hamster during a disastrous picnic in the spring of ’97’ ” [where x = person on end of phone, if identity can be determined from ear-wigging into conversation]
Quantum leap banter – banter uncharacteristic of the administrator perpetrating it, as though somebody else has jumped into their banter outlet stream.
RSVP banter – banter designed to provoke a response
Rebound banter – banter that does not do its job initially, but ‘hits the target’ at the second time of asking, having altered one’s aim slightly. aka ‘backboard banter’.
Sicilian banter – banter so tawdry, that the participants should instantly ‘for-GET about it…’ aka ‘DonnieBanter’
Sweet ‘n’ sour banter – banter that initially seems good-natured, but is actually interspersed with vitriol. aka ‘trojan banter’
Star Wars banter – banter that was funny maybe a LONG time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Scattergun banter – banter that is just ‘fired OUT there’ for anyone to grab onto. aka ‘blunderbanter’.
Banter Saturation point – when it is taken slightly too far by a participant. aka ‘Buckaroo banter ‘.
Seasonal Banter – ie Shrove tuesday banter, when one inevitably ridicules one’s work colleagues’ attempts at pancake-making.
Strikethrough Banter – when banter is appallingly and unforgiveably revoked by an ‘only joking’ suffix. Should never happen, but unfortunately does.
Telegraphed banter – banter that everyone could see coming. To be avoided at all costs wherever possible.
Underlying banter – banter with allegories and themes not immediately obvious at the time. aka ‘slow-burning banter’ or ‘[ronseal to the power of minus 1] banter’
Venn Diagram Banter – when two hitherto mutually exclusive banter ‘strands’ are woven together, or ‘overlapped’ in a moment that is known as ‘Banter hybridisation epiphany’
Vicarious banter – when banter is proffered on behalf of an absent colleague
Victimless Banter – when all participants are agreed on the prevailing banter – a mutual viewpoint is reached that transcends the usual driving force behind banter [ie ridicule of some sort]
Chinese Whisper Banter – Poorly judged Banter that is derived from a mis-heard statement.
X-ray banter – where one can see through the banter and easily discover the true meaning behind it
Yellow Banter – banter that is cowardly in nature, therefore deserving of nothing but contempt
Zzzzzzzzz banter – banter that instills in everyone an urge to sleep
thanks, Chris.
Do you work for a men’s mag like Nut or Gnu, Trilobite?
Spastemizer, MY “hoof her in the works” was ironic, and a knowing reference to the constant repetition of this phrase on the lifelong disappointment site, the internet child of Log and Brenda. It was therefore wholly legitimate, and I claim my prize as smuggest and most annoying loser on Earth.
And whats more, I realised that HeWho was being ironic, and used the phrase in that context too. Its not something anyone actually says is it? Apart from Spastemizer who says it all the time ……… apparently…..
The Irony of the whole situation is that if I ever meet either of you I will piss all over your shoes.
But if you piss on my shoes, don’t you leave yourself vulnerable to being…
No, for I have none – I piss out of a tube in my neck.