SCENE ONE: HOW DIANA AND PRINCE CHARLES MET
DIANA
Howay jugalugs, I bet my tits are bigger than your arse
CHARLES
No way you fancy Nancy, I gots them juicy Windsor boo-tarks.
Charles slaps his ass and juggles his buttocks in a wild infinity loop
DIANA
Fuck off Wales, I’m gonna lay down a monkey on my tits sizing off amply against your muddy pussy*. Drop your kecks and let’s compare
CHARLES
Aight.
ZIP SOUND EFFECT. SOUND EFFECT OF COLLIDING MEATS.
DIANA
I win! Now I get one wish
Diana closes her eyes and makes a wish
CHARLES
Phwoar. Let’s get to Buckingham Palace, where I will put tiaras on your lovely tits what are bigger’n my bum
DIANA
Hooray! That was my wish
SCENE TWO: THE RELATIONSHIP GOES SOUR
CHARLES
Stop crying or I won’t let you wear any more crowns
DIANA
It’s not fair Charles I’m so sad. I just want to be queen, right now
CHARLES
Why don’t you go and make friends with Kenny Everett or something. You were friends with him, weren’t you?
DIANA
I think so. Either him or Freddie Mercury. Let’s just say I was friends with Kenny Everett for the sake of this movie
CHARLES
No wait I think Kenny Everett was friends with Cleo Rocos
DIANA
FUCK OFF CHARLES
SCENE THREE: AT BBC TELEVISION CENTRE
DIANA [upset]
It’s not fair Kenny Everett I just want to be the queen of England at any cost. I mean I will kill everyone I have to, seriously
KENNY EVERETT
Oh Di you wee dinky bagpuss! Come and watch me having sex on a ghost train
DIANA
Kenny! Aren’t you worried about any killer sex diseases?
KENNY EVERETT
Don’t be silly, you freaky blonde piss! All sex diseases are curable. That’s the point!
GHOST TRAIN SOUND EFFECTS
DIANA
Well Kenny if there ever is a killer sex disease you can be sure that I will visit the hospitals and go around touching everyone
KENNY EVERETT
That’s because you’re the kind woman who likes human people. Maybe you are too kind!
DIANA
Ken, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many dicks I’ve got bouncing off my forehead in this place
KENNY EVERETT
You might as well wank a couple off. It’s pitch black in here, no-one’ll know
SCENE FOUR: DIANA MEETS DODI
DIANA
I do love Harrods. It’s really expensi… OW YOU FUCKIN TROD ON MY FOOT YOU RUDE MAN
DODI
Soz babes I was just buying Harrods and the contract is so big I didn’t see you there
DIANA
Well that’s as may be, I’m going to be queen one day so get off my fuckin’ hooves
DIANA STORMS OFF
DODI
She is absolutely beautiful and so pure. Send her a ten quid Harrod’s voucher
SCENE FIVE: CAMILLA MEETS DIANA AT A PARTY
DIANA
Ow my fucking foot! Again! What is it with pricks stepping on my feet today, have I got cunt painted on my face?
CAMILLA
Hello, Diana. I’m Camilla Parker Bowles, and I did it on purpose. I’m going to steal your man and be the queen.
DIANA
ARE YOU FUCK AS LIKE
CAMILLA
I FUCKIN AM
DIANA
I’LL KILL THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
CAMILLA
HERE HAVE AN APPLE
DIANA
THANKS
SCENE FIVE: THINGS GET WORSE WITH CHARLES
DIANA
I am leaving you Charles to go on a car ride with my new boyfriend who sent me a ten quid voucher which is more than you ever gave me
CHARLES
That’s fine, I’ll just keep twiddlin’ Camilla’s nips
DIANA
Whatever like I even care
CHARLES
Before you go, Diana.
DIANA
I’m on my way out I can’t just turn around loads of times I’ll fall over
CHARLES
Give me your royal badge and royal gun
DIANA
Fuck off it man I’m two days from becoming the queen
CHARLES
Your badge and gun, Diana. Don’t make me use the human-corgi hybrids
Diana hands over that stuff Charles asked for
DIANA
This is bullshit
SCENE SIX: IN A CAR IN PARIS
DIANA
How the fuck did we end up in Paris man
DODI
We are going so fast babes so fast in this car like my exotic love for you
DIANA
Dodi, your balls are rock hard. Is that normal?
DODI
Yes. In foreign men the balls go hard not the penis. I am going to stuff them in you like some exotic unheard-of figs
DIANA
OK! but first let’s eat this apple that my nemesis Camilla Parker Bowles gave me
DODI
Enemy apples are the most delicious apples of all where I come from in my country from abroad
THEY EAT THE APPLE. NO-ONE DIES
DIANA
Well that apple was delicious, and not poisoned at all
DODI
In my country where I am from it is customary after an enemy apple to tickle the driver of the car you are in
DIANA
Don’t do tickle the driver Dodi that’s dangerous
DODI
But it is tradition and you said don’t do tickle the driver so that’s really mixed messages
TICKLING SOUNDS
DODI
Tickle tickle tickle!
LAUGHING SOUNDS. CAR CRASH SOUNDS. NATION MOURNING SOUNDS
SCENE SEVEN: CAMILLA IS CROWNED QUEEN OF ENGLAND
CAMILLA
Thanks for making me Queen of England Charles
CHARLES
No probs lady. Sad that Diana carked it but to be honest I like you more anyway.
CAMILLA
Yes! In fact you might say I’m more apple-ealing
CHARLES LOOKS, SHOCKED, TO THE CAMERA AND REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE
CAMILLA
I am going to kill everyone in England
—
If you’d like to hear this script performed by four revolting men, subscribe to the Regular Features podcast.
[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/115774153″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]
* The phrase Muddy Pussy comes to you courtesy of Roy Killer War, and the Distorted View podcast
“I’m on my way out I can’t just turn around loads of times I’ll fall over”
Fuck I love this blog
Kenny Everett's final line is rather Ortonesque
I enjoyed reading that (I did it out loud in the voice of Martin Jarvis) but it made me late for my bath.
I have never visited the blog before, but this is excellent. I’ll probably never come again either, because I forget things quickly that aren’t my own endless fucking misery.
aw christ wat