You're All So Stupid

They Tried And They Failed
They Tried And They Failed
THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIENDS SO BAD!
AND I HATE THEM ALL!

The colour of the text in which I have applied for my membership appears in my armpit. Can you spot it?

you are my favourite internet, and it would be *fantacker* if you would let
me in your gang. here you see me having a bit of fun mucking about in the
snow. it's something that i do all the time, and it's mostly a lot of fun.
from time to time, the snow gets compacted and pushes under my cossie into
my nunnie and winker like icy fingers, but i don't mind. i just get that
tiny spastic old man to clean it out - he always stands behind me, as you
can see in the photo.

if you let me in the gang, i would bring the following unique qualities:

1. a sense of the frivolous
2. a rat in a jar
3. rage and humility
4. organising (i organise parties for the blind sometimes, and i never get
any complaints)
5. home-made bread and flapjacks

i will also stand behind you all and comb your hair with a brush for hours
and say how nice your hair is. in the gang we can swap shoes and stuff -
that'll be fun!

something i like is gay mans. they are more sensitive than the other kind,
and they are nice to you. it makes me cross when tv is nasty about them.
when that happens i throw my hands in the air and shout 'no' - as in this
picture. then i shake my fist at the tv and do a cross face. that usually
works, and the tv stops being nasty about gay mans and moves onto adverts or puppies. there - much better!

i imagine you get thousands of applicants *every single day*, so i don't
mind if you take a while to respond. although i am getting a bit cold.

maureen crosby

Ha ha! I nearly accepted you until I noticed that you were the same Maureen Crosby that I expelled from the Cosmic Clique in 1995! If you don't stop pestering me, I'll tell all the readers why I had to expel you in the first place! In fact, I'll tell them anyway! It's because when we were cuddling like friends do you sneezed in my hair and stuck it together! You dirty bitch!

I am writing to apply for a position in your "Best Friends Club", which I saw on the Internet. Please find attached a photograph of myself.

I think I qualify for entry into your club, as I am not a boy, I am a lady bee, as you can see.

I am a lot of fun, and I can fly. Perhaps I could take you and Sandy to the moon in a basket?

Also, I do not like boys - I sting them with my stinger which is full of deadly boy posion. I like to sting them in their secret eyes.

I have 2 GCSEs in French.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Karen The Bee

PS I am using a BOY's email address, but he does not know. (It is like when a wasp lays eggs on a caterpillar, but with computers.)

I am tempted to let you into my club. Because I am currently undergoing a very specific form of wackiness in which I want to be friends with a bee. I am trying out sarcasm! Karen, you would have made it into my club if you had kept up the rhyming, like you did with "bee" and "see". Rhyming makes me laugh, especially really clever rhyming. Here is the cleverest rhyme I know.

"I heard sounds that were frothy, and you came back with coffee,
Thus my interpolation is that there was percolation."

Sorry, Karen. But... you're rhyming was rubbish in comparison to mine. And Sandy doesn't want to go to the moon in a basket. She's terrified of heights - her feet only have to leave the ground and she's screaming like a stuck whore. And on the one occasion I took her into the attic to play mannequin charades, she was sick on the dusty chest and didn't come around for a month. So NO!

(L-R) Madelaine Bennett, Madelaine Bennett, Sidney Poitier, and Madelaine Bennett

Hi gang! I would just love to be a part of you crazeee super troup. You've just got to let me join. The only friends I have are my toes, and that is no good for my posture.

One night last week, in a fit of rage, I decided to teach my toes a lesson. I carved faces into them with my favourite Stanley Knife, Stuart. (see picture) This let them know who was boss - hurray - and also makes talking to them a far less lonely experience. Yowsa! Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Please let me be your friend.

Yours hopefully Samantha the Crippled Girl (actually I'm in a wheelchair)

No. No. No. You are not kooky like me. The very thought makes me squeal! What good is a friend in a wheelchair unless you are going downhill? NO USE AT ALL! Goodnight Samantha, you are the pooest linker.

Darren Cullen

Hiya, my names Darren, Im also a web siter. Crazy huh???? I like lots of things, like balloons, cocks and chess. But my favourite thing is my kite, which is constructed from urine and shoes.

WHY WON'T YOU BOYS LEAVE US ALONE! THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE BOY IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS FOURBOUYS THE NEWSAGENTS AND THAT'S NOT FOUR BOYS, IT'S ONE. And Log, who is everything to me and I would fold in on myself and simply stop being if he ever told me that he didn't love me. God, just thinking about him makes my neck puff up with something I'm not even sure about!

You're all rubbish so far! Or should I say, so fart! But you're welcome to keep trying! EMAIL ME!