SCENE ONE: THE SpaceCAT OFFICES
LINDA: This week’s orphans are being delivered! I’ve been looking through the pictures, too. Some of them look agonisingly hard-done-to. [Linda licks her lips]
STEVE: This one’s my favourite. He looks like he’s he’s been punched for something that he’s quietly and convincingly explained that he didn’t do. [Steve drops to his haunches and slobbers into a phial]
LINDA: Well, let’s hope that new filing robot arrives on time, so we can get them processed!
STEVE: Processed? They’re not cheese, Linda!
LINDA: No… They’re… much… more… delicious… than… … …that.
SCENE 2: THE NEW ADMIN ROBOT ARRIVES
ADMIN ROBOT: Sorry I’m late. I stopped off to buy some oil.
LINDA: I suppose oil must be like water to you robots.
ADMIN ROBOT: [winking] Yeah, and it’s a great anal lubricant, too.
[pause]
ADMIN ROBOT: DID I SAY A BAD?
[two lasers simulate a robotic blush that can be seen for miles – this is a catchphrase so it has to look spot on]
SCENE 3: ORPHAN LOADING BAY
LINDA: What has happened to these orphans? They’re all dead. I’m all for suffering, but this is taking the piss.
ADMIN ROBOT: There was a terrible accident. Their ship collided into a vessel full of infertile couples.
STEVE: How ironic.
ADMIN ROBOT: Not really – the pilots of both ships genuinely seemed to believe that the crash would create hundreds of loving families.
LINDA: Only this one survived?
ADMIN ROBOT: Yes. By sucking the air out of his birthday balloons. It’s quite touching really. They died, having left behind exactly what he needed to survive – their breath.
STEVE: Oh man, he’s going to be super-delicious when we eat him.
LINDA: For fuck’s sake, that was supposed to be the big reveal.
STEVE: Piss off, you were licking your lips earlier, I saw you.
SCENE 4: STEVE AND LINDA CLAMBER OVER EACH OTHER IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE THE CLOSEST TO THE CEILING
SCENE 5: THE ORPHAN TALKS TO A CREATURE MADE OUT OF PARENTS
ORPHAN: Go on, just give us one. Just a little one.
CREATURE: No, I need them.
ORPHAN: You can’t need them all. They’re constantly dropping off. Can’t I have one you’ve left behind?
CREATURE: No, I need them too. What are you looking at?
ORPHAN: Sorry, it’s just that two of the parents in your thigh are putting their hands into each other’s grumbelows.
CREATURE: Yes, sometimes mummies and daddies who love each other do that. You’d know that if you weren’t a stupid orphan.
THE CREATURE MADE OUT OF PARENTS CUDDLES ITSELF, THERE IS LOADS OF PENETRATION
SCENE 6: IN THE GREENGROCER
LINDA: Ham, pineapple, tomato…
SHOPKEEPER: No, we’ve already had tomato.
THE SHOPKEEPER GUNGES LINDA
SCENE 7: THE EXCITING CLIMAX
STEVE: So, we eat orphans! That is the climax.
LINDA: But that’s not all – we’ve got another climax now.
STEVE: Yes! The new climax is that we aren’t even Catholics – we’re CATHOLIC EGGS.
ORPHAN: Are you going to hatch?
STEVE: Not in the foreseeable future, no.
THE END
*sycophantic pawing*