Why I Am The King Of Sales

There’s nothing more satisfying than forming a relationship with a salesman. It’s like rubbing yourself off against a human transaction. Because I’ve done most things that are thrilling and sexually enticing, I spend nine days in advertising, during which I came up with most of the slogans you’ll have heard in your life, such as “Kiss the Tandy” and “NOT PANDA PLOPS, PANDA POPS”. Here’s just a few of my incredible slogans that have made shareholders across the world instant billionaires.
WALNUT WHIP : “It’s got a nut on – and so will you, after you finger this fucker into your mush”
GANESH : “I know you don’t be steppin’ on this bad mother’s trunk, stone cold”
HOUSES : “No there isn’t a scullery, what are you, Edwardian or something”
THE POPULAR NINTENDO WII MACHINE : “Mine organs have beheld the wyrd illusion factorie ycleped thee Nintendo Wii, and my mum loves the Tennis like billy-o”
COFFEE : “Buy six coffees, and we’ll pamper a spastic”
BRITISH GAS : “British Gas puts the Gas Board into Smorgasboard.”
It was only a matter of time before the advertising department in the company I work for saw my incredible talent and <del>stole</del> incorporated one of my slogans into an item of hooded clotheswear. Check this out, fuckbuddies!
PC ZONE: In The Absence Of Sexier Hobbies Or Bands I Like, I Wear PC Games Clothing
Behold, my addition to the world of PC gaming merchandise – “In The Absence Of Sexier Hobbies Or Bands I Like, I Wear PC Games Clothing”.
I am the advertiser. I just sold you.

8 thoughts on “Why I Am The King Of Sales”

  1. All well and good, this soft selling I see, but not the stuff this blog was built on. What about Scottish busses covered in vomit and poo? Will we ever get Jimmy Carr’s face on a tit again? Since when do you take complimentary-looking low-angle shots of your co-workers, instead of crowing victoriously when someone photoshops in a giant ass-brick, cuddling against their mottled cheek? Where are the sex tips read out in a “gay voice” that sounds like Daniel Schorr with a mouthful of piss and buckshot?
    Once I see a bit of edginess back up in this piece, rest assured, I will buy a dozen of your fine sweatshirts and make a duvet out of them…


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