A few weeks ago, I wrote 700 words for the Guardian. It was a glorious exercise in public self-castration, in which I exposed myself as the ill-informed prickwit that I quite frankly am. Since then, I’ve written a piece about how much I love progress bars, which I hope cemented my reputation as the Comment & Debate section’s moronic fluff correspondant. I’m currently awaiting response from my third piece about “Embarrassment”, which I’ll put up here if it gets rejected.
What’s become obvious, is that I need serious practice at pulling authoritative opinions from my arse. So, if anyone is still reading this blog after my crazy days of neglect, this is my challenge and my promise; I will write a 700-word opinion piece on any subject raised in the comments. And boy-frigging-howdy, I will be plumbing wells of passion you never knew I had. I will be searing. I will be sensational. I will be bereft of useful information. To make it in this game, I reckon I’ve got to churn it out like a cocksure fraud – so I won’t research a fucking thing.
Look at this shit, I wrote this back in 2005. If I can write 1,000 words about putting on a sock, I reckon 700 words about the Palestinian conflict should be piss-play. So go on, you glorious titmice – get commenting and commission me into orbit.
(This blog post was this man’s idea.)
What about that hot button topic for 2008 – the US Presidential election?
That’s brilliant, Adam – it’s got womans, black, and everything you need for a good, solid OPINION. I’ll get on it without delay!
Bloody hell, I’ve got to type the word GINIGER in for the reCAPTCHA. That’s a bit racey.
How’s about a piece entitled “What I would do about the muslims if I were Prime Minister”.
With a title like THAT, everyone would read it, even if the contents are simply “invite them round to tea, one by one, and possibly get out a packet of bourbons if they’re feeling peckish”.
Excellent! I’m up for hearing you opinions on the Presidential election, particularly in relation to how the Super Delegates influence the candidate selection process. I can’t wait to use your comments passionately as my own in the company of better informed strangers.
Log, do you think the Large Hadron Collider MUST BE STOPPED in case a tiny black hole swallows the Earth? (Remember the set of things on the Earth includes Robert Mugabe and cancer, so it is not as simple a question as it first looks.)
700 words on talking dirty in the bedroom, please. i’ve an article due monday, i’ll simply translate yours and pass it off as my own work. everyone wins, right?
Hey, that sounds like a deadline. I like deadlines. I’ll have it in by midnight Sunday.
YES BUT…We want your opinion on the American political process. Any cunt can talk shit on talking dirty. We want your opinions on HARD CURRENT AFFAIRS. I submit that your deadline should be Sunday as well for this analysis as the democrats are going to the polls again at the end of the month and we need OPINION.
Hi Log:
Please investigate how a well-paid consultant can say in his report that something will cost £1000 to install to facilitate his cost-saving bollocks, when I have costed it at around £100,000.
There may be a discount involved. Who will get the saving?
Certainly not me.
How about an article on fat people? They’re such a drain on society, it makes me sick (brown sick from my bum, the least palatable kind).
I’d be interested to know how you feel about the ongoing power struggle in Ukraine over the past few years – with the theme that precisely the same people who were deposed in the Orange Revolution are now the ones in power, in cahoots with the ones who replaced them.
I think I only want to read about this because ‘cahoots’ is such a great word, and if when writing the headline you could draw on the fact tha Yulia Timoshenko looks like Princess Leia then I might even read it.
700 words on the positive side of child sex abuse, please.
You’re fine with your work being plagiarised, eh? Then how about we up the ante a teensy bit. 12000 words on the use of the prisoner’s dilemma as a tool to simulate evolution, please. And by next Wednesday.
Or you could do the US elections. Whatever…
Can’t you just print out the “Nice Guys Finish First” chapter of The Selfish Gene in a nice handwriting font? That must be exactly 12,000 words, I reckon. And he probably quotes sources, the big academic bastard.
can you write 700 words on the subject of “things that are sluiced” without hesitating deviating or repeating?
What I really want to see is a 700 word essay on the freaky baby with two faces.
How about a 700-word op-ed on why Francis Gilbert should be Gordon Brown’s new Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families?
Can you write something about this wonderful flying, dead “balloon priest” please?
http://itn.co.uk/news/5497a20ce81e332c0079132824039781.html
I bet you can.
I’m sorry I missed the cutoff. An even 700 about the intensifying crackdown on bestiality would have been of some interest – if there were only some way to tie it to the “I’d Do Anything” search for the next Noncy. (I got ‘Consulting Mo’ in the reCaptcha thing…. now they consult as well? That’s progress.)