Affirmations: The Opinion

I wrote a piece in today’s Guardian about affirmations. I’ve never been comfortable around affirmations. This is because I’ve always had the idea that I should live life as though I’m being watched by a studio audience, and shouting at yourself about how exactly you’re awesome is the kind of thing that would deserve a reaction shot from a Dulux dog.
Another reason I dislike affirmations – and Louise L Hay in particular – is that I went out with a guy who performed them. I told him – I said “look, I’m going out with you, what else do you need to boost your confidence? You’ve bagged the biggest hottie on the block.” At this point, I’d push my finger into my belly button and make a sizzling sound, for emphasis. Then I’d make like I was going to leave, but turn around and start wagging my finger and walking in a zig-zag. “What’s the cosmos got that I haven’t got, mmm? Didn’t I take you for two for one pizzas? No wonder everyone hates you.”
Essentially, that’s why I hate affirmations. I’m too embarrassed to do them myself, and I’d rather everyone else got their sense of self-worth by sleeping with me. So, after writing 700 words about not having an opinion, my trousers falling down, and the love of a good progress bar – today feels like my first opinion that people could disagree with on any level. Other than the perfectly understandable level of why is this fat cunt being given a voice in the national media?
So, either buy the paper, or save yourself 80p and go here later on in the day. It takes a while for high-quality opinions to float to the top, see.