Hi, Jennifans! Jennifer Tolstoy here – Log’s ex-girlfriend, and the inventor of such words as FRAZY (fun and crazy), CRABULOUS (crazy and fabulous), and HUHNNNNGGGG (a sound I make when someone in the queue in front of me is taking too long, and won’t let me look over their shoulder).
I hold the world record for the number of times anyone has repeated the word “GO” in a military operation, when I tipped a bucket of worms into the sink on a drainpipe reconnaissance mission and shouted “GO GO GO” three hundred times. Beat that, Andy McNabb! BE MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK
I’ve been in hiding since that fat Australian cunt bitch cow-tipping slut got my touching memorial video taken off the entire internet. I really appreciated your efforts to convince her I was in the right – which a few of you did by finding pictures of her, and putting fake willies flying into her massive, food-swollen piss Chunnel. This really helped me through the difficult times. :’)
Here is that video, for being such funtabulous Jennifans!
During my life time-out, my best friends phoned me every day. They thought I’d get bored, sitting still and moving as little as possible for a whole year. But only boring people get bored! Here is my top favourite five things to do when you refuse to leave the house because the world is a horrible place!
1. Try out innovative new sexy poses like the one you can see here (don’t look at it I’m so embarrassed haha)
2. Wait outside Log’s door in the morning with a wakey-wakey biscuit
3. Sometimes I get hungry and eat the biscuit
4. Which leaves me with no reason to stand outside his door, so I just burst in and start punching him through the duvet, saying “wakey-wakey” then saying “biscuit” because i’d been thinking it over and over again outside his door and now I can’t say “wakey-wakey” without saying “biscuit”
5. Living with Log is so much fun even though we’re not going out any more, we’re just like the best friends ever
This is me and my friends! Sandy is using a fake hand to touch my boobs. It’s lucky Sandy is my mega-best friend on toast, otherwise I would have span around with my arms out like a starfish.
This is OFFICIALLY how to respond to a sexual attack, and has been since 1986. After the Fonz told children to honk when they were getting their bodies touched by grown-ups, paedophiles quickly evolved to home in on groups of honking children. So then Cagney & Lacey had to do a video giving advice about what to do if you were cornered by a honk-proof nonce. I chose the starfish, but there were other things you could do!
1. Move your head up and down so they can’t work out where to kiss you.
2. Teleport to a location above your assailant, land on his head and guide him to a police station.
3. Form a sexless relationship with your abuser until you are old enough to consent to kissing with your mouth open.
Sandy says it’s not her real arm anyway, so it’s basically like that thing where you lie on your arm so it feels like someone else is touching your tits. I have to admit, it did feel like someone else was touching my tits.
These two guys are so gay. I am trying to look nonchalant, like I don’t care about it, but I’m also letting my silky hair land on the taller gay man’s arm. Let him know what he’s missing! I love gay men, they are so uninhibited! But then, I suppose you’d have to be inhibited to go near a big shitty bumhole. I don’t have a penis, but if I did, I would want to put it in something lovely, like a vase.
Log is gay, too – I was amazed when I found out, he never mentions it – and I think this is why we’re such great friends. Last night, I waited until he was really, really, asleep, and I crept into his bedroom, and tried to find bit that were sticking out of the duvet, that I could put into my mouth. When he woke, he just hid under the covers. He is so lame, sometimes, he doesn’t know how to have fun at all. But it’s all part of what makes our relationship so special – I’m the crazy one, he’s the one that keeps trying to put locks on his bedroom door, and stop me keeping my shoes in the fridge.
JENNIFER FOR PRESIDENT!
Tune in next week for part two of my creepy Halloween adventures – I meet Kelly off the Porky Beans video, get my eyeballs licked out, and meet the happiest Frankingstein in the world!