All The Lovely Mums

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
If you’re reading this in a country that has phased out mums in favour of a municipal satchel of eggs, then this might be an alien concept to you. It is a day when everyone offers evidence-free and uniformly positive feedback regarding their mums.
1. If she’s your biological mother, you are basically complimenting 50% of your own DNA. That’s pretty vain.
2. Your parents paid for your entire early life, so by offering them any form of emotional service in return, you are allowing them to make a whore of you. And if they can accept that, perhaps they’re not as “cool” as you’re making them out to be. #justsayin
3. There’s a pretty clear conflict of interests. I write about video games for a living. If my mum was a video game, and I’d be the first to admit that she’s not, people would rightly be furious if they found out I’d given her a ten out of ten, and neglected to mentioned serious technical issues with her. For example, the alarming pop-in (in 1988, when I was having a wank with my eyes closed).
I was appalled – genuinely, revolted – to read this tweet:

My mum is the best! Love you xx

To return to video games, I’m nowhere near the top of the leaderboards for Devil May Cry. And I know how do all the moves. Go on, ask me any move.
Yeah, I totally know how to do that one. In fact it makes you look ridiculous that you chose to challenge me on that particular move, because to me, that’s a really obvious one.
But the thing is, I’m a busy man. I pace up and down Oxford Street wheeling my arms, loose and urgent, above my head.  With so many important things to deal with, I will never be able to put in the hours required to get to the top of these leaderboards.
So when you say your mum is the best, you’re pitting your mum against tens of thousands of teenage mums who’ve got nothing better to do with their lives than sit in their bedrooms  being mums, pulling off marathon all-night mothering sessions, and calling each other’s babies fags into their headsets.
Until you come at me with some double-blind test results that have been through rigorous peer review, I’m going to reply “if your mum’s so cool, why can’t she do THIS?” Then I will get onto a trampoline and insist that you stay and watch me while I try to do somersaults, with limited success.
On a more anecdotal level, I know for a fact that your mum’s not the best, because mine is. Lovely mums! Aww. Lovely. Are you a lovely mum? Yes you are.
1. Sing an adapted version of “Our House” by Crosby Stills And Nash.
My mum is a very very very nice mum,
With two cats in the yard*,
Life used to be so hard**
Now everything is easy ‘cos of you***

* Feel free to mumble this line, as it doesn’t really refer to mums
** It is important that you do not accidentally point at or otherwise refer to your genitals during the phrase “so hard”. This includes the scenario in which you are  naked and visibly aroused, even if you’re not actively drawing attention to your “junk”.
*** At this stage, drop a bin bag full of laundry onto the draining board, and rummage around in the fridge for something to eat.
2. Attack your dad
Instead of showing humiliating positive emotions, why not make her feel comparatively good about herself, by swinging for your father? It’s a win-win situation.
3. Go to a Bingo night with a meat raffle
This is the one I went for, this year. And guess what? My lovely mum, 30 years a vegetarian, won first and third prizes. That’s gold and bronze meat. Hey, mum! Hold up the meat you don’t really want!

what mums look like with bags of raffled meat

Thanks, mum! Love you! Can I have some of the meat please

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