Finally, there’s Dane. Dane has so much love in him that his body has had to expand to accomodate it. He stores a particularly dense pocket of love in a secret fold of skin under his chin, like a fat sex pelican. During some of the more lively dance routine, it sloshes around, lapping at his cheeks. Sometimes it even comes out of his mouth - it's a glittery silver paste, see if you can spot it at their next gig!

Dane remembers his first sexual experience with a girl - he was only three years old, but he still had blood in his veins! And the first time Dane felt his blood and emotions centre on his swollen, bent cock, he knew what he had to do. He started singing, and dropped his trousers.

“Carly didn’t really know what was going on. But I held her hands in mine, and started to move my body around. I told her that my bulb was a purple tulip, that would flower and spit pollen into her hand if she cared for it. She fell for it, and she even took my ‘pollen’ home and put it on a sponge. I’ve been using lies to get sex from women ever since.”

Dane suffers from a medical complaint shared by anyone rich enough to afford a doctor who will diagnose it. Douglas’ Relentless Double Jiggy Syndrome makes the sufferer think about sex every six seconds, and means that they are unlikely to turn down sex with attractive people, even if they have a partner. Doctor Bradley, of the Lovelace Institute, Michigan, comments;

“If you want to be diagnosed as a sufferer, it’ll cost you £50,000. We do a special incurable diagnosis package for five times the price, and with this package you do save the time and money spent in temperance clinics in the desert.” 

Being a great big fatty called Dane, you’d think he would be sensitive to my relentless taunts of “Great Dane”, and “Dane packs in the bacon butties”. But he takes it on the chins and laughs along with me, which I find somewhat frustrating. I really want to hurt the pig-faced cunt.