Cleopatra On Your TV

We've had fifteen different series in Brazil, including the outrageous "Daddy Of Fire" and the cerebral adventures of "Thinky The Genius Remedial". He can't talk, so is put into the bottom classes for everything, because the teachers think he's stupid. But we teach him how to sing, and freestyle, and then he marries Bo Derek. We are the bridesmaids, and in a special guest slot Lou Reed agreed to be the best man! He's not so grumpy, really.

There was only one series of this programme, because everyone agreed that to make any more would be unfair. It was so cool! Here is a listography of episodes, including the rare pilot episode, where our voices were all performed by angry Cubans!

We3BFamleee	Cleo makes a new friend at school, and her sisters are so jealous that they decide to exclude Cleo from their concert at the G-Mex in Manchester, where the Queen will be watching. Cleo has a dream the night before the show, that she is being given less than adequate service by a bartender in a posh hotel, and when she screams "do you know who I am?" like a spoiled bitch, she looks down and realises she is a bag lady who has wet herself. She wakes up knowing what she must do. Guest starring The Queen.
RMomBDBest	The girls sign their mom up for an Extreme Fighting tournament, as part of a crazy hi-jink. However, it all backfires when it turns out that the document was a legal document that obliges her to fight... to the death! It's all up to the girls to train their mom using only fire hoops and meaty reward snacks, before the first fight starts... in eight minutes! Guest starring Scott Baio and Julian Clary.
IPMusic	Young Yonah has a difficult time as she reaches puberty, in this educational episode about periods, and singing. When she first menstruation arrives, Yonah grabs the first thing to hand - the Canadian Flag! This can only mean trouble when Bryan Adams is cleaning the windows! He challenges her to a banjo duel, then sings her a song about his ex-wife, who died of cancer after being misdiagnosed as a bulimic, and drip fed liquid bacon through a silver pipe.
128MB RAM	Cleo signs up with a company that pay her to take experimental drugs, but goes through the wrong door into a space rocket that is just about to take radioactive monkeys to Jupiter. She escapes just in time, but not before being bitten by a monkey.... meanwhile, the girls' mom finds herself in the running for Manchester's town mayor. It's up to Yonah and Zainam to draft a manifesto for their hapless mom, and say that the other candidates tried to touch them in a very special place!
RNu-Sister	The first appearance of Joyce in the series, after Cleo's radiation sickness led her to join the Thrill Kill Cult. Joyce starts the episode blacked-up in an attempt to fit in, but her disguise is ruined when Yonah accidentally opens the results of a random stool sample. To show their love for their new sister, Yonah and Zainam dress her up as a cat and spin her around until she is sick. The formal adoption ceremony over, they perform a gig at Wembley Stadium, supported by Joan Armatrading and Sting. Also starring Kathy Burke and Bernie Clifton.
Pilot : CapitalistScum	The original footage concerned how the Zainam, Yonah, and Cleo met. However, once we remembered that they didn't "meet" as such, because they are sisters, we decided to let Cuban revolutionaries dub communist slogans over what little footage we could be arsed to shoot. This eventually became very noisy, as the revolutionaries drank more and more Bacardi (despite Bacardi being a girl's drink) and if you listen carefully you can even hear one lad punching his compadré on the arm, with his middle knuckle raised to enhance the deadening effect.

This is a crazy show. It revolves around the premise that we live in a house, right? Just us - Zainam, Yonah, and Joyce, and pictures of Cleo, who we miss so much since she got pecked to death by herons. But we get visited by celebrities, who all get involved in all manner of nonsense, and tell us all about what it's like to be superstars - like we didn't know! Then there's the cupboards, which are full of sock people, and the eyeballs in all the pictures move, and there's a moose head that talks, and a grumpy green monster in the dustbin! And the originality doesn't stop there! .... every week MC Hammer plays a word association game called "Hammer's Hammer", and there's a dismembered hand that scuttles around the house while we all make wild body movements and start screaming.

Cleopatra In The House is a very intense experience. It should not be attempted by under eighteens, or those who suffer from epilepsy or long attention spans. However, being on the internet reading this sort of pointlessness, you're probably not likely to suffer from either.

Many thanks to Number 73, Wizardora, The Banana Bunch, The Munsters, Sesame Street, WACaday, The Addams Family, and a rich history of imagination and innovation that prevented our writers from having to demonstrate any of their own.