Law of the Playground : Sports Day

Sports Days, for those of us who didn’t like running, were simply a collection of innovative new ways to make us look clumsy, fat, and laughable. It wasn’t good enough that we kicked the space above the ball in football, flipping ourselves onto our backs. It wasn’t enough that our feeble grips allowed any racquet to fly from our hands. And it certainly wasn’t enough that we had to endure the 1500 metres whilst desperately feeding ourselves Mars Bars, just to provide enough energy to finish.
No! We had to be shit at the Egg & Spoon race, too. And jump around in sacks, which would be a war crime if you made Muslims do it.
So what better way to celebrate the summer than with a growed-up Sports Day? I suggested it last year at the Law of the Playground forums (Belmsford123), and twelve months later, some other people put the effort in, and it happened.
Here’s The Invitation
And here’s The Fact Sheet
23rd JULY 2005
Douglas Bader Football
This could really have done with a trial run. It soon became obvious that running around and playing football without bending your legs isn’t (a) fun or (b) possible. Any attempts to referee by shouting “you just bent your legs” were quickly met with “fuck off”.
People were jumping. You can’t jump without bending your knees – you’re not Manic Miner. “Is anyone here Manic Miner?” I wanted to shout. “Does anyone here need to collect five keys to progress to the next level? NO. I THOUGHT NOT.”
In summary, this turned out to be nothing more than a really short game of awkward football.
The Shoe-Putt
Based on the original mongster, Joey Deacon, the Shoe-Putt was a tribute to the day that Joey kicked his shoe off the side of a boat. “Why tie his shoelaces properly?” the nurses had said that morning. “It’s not like he’ll be doing anything at all with his body. Just hang the shoes off the end of his toes.” What the nurses didn’t count on was a colossal spasm sending the shoe into orbit (The Thames).
To that end, I bring you… the Shoe Putt, as performed by residents of Belmsford.
Speedwolf / The 16th Nicholas / Ponky / Exxon Valdex
The Grand Belm-Off
It was a cosmopolitan day. There was a Japanese girl (who got hit by a football), and a Spanish gay, who didn’t. They were united by their ignorance of wonderful, British belming. If you’re not entirely sure what belming is, perhaps you should watch this;
Belm Off, Round 1 – Sears House vs Carr House
Then it rained, so we went to the pub. Which was probably lucky, as no-one wanted to play the Douglas Bader final, and there was no way the other games could match up to six adult males making spaz flippers.

1 thought on “Law of the Playground : Sports Day”

  1. That douglas Bader entry is the sixth funniest thing i’ve ever read. don’t feel bad, i’ve read ‘loads of stuff’ in my time. i think the high point was the response to the accusation of leg-bending. both clever AND funny, despite what ‘the berks’ say.
    excellent use of Manic Minor to make your point too.. this should be done more often, ideally in the corporate world, if it can be crowbarred in. “Sorry i’m late for the meeting, i was busy killing monsters with yo-yo’s ‘n’ stuff” “No problem Frak, come in and take a seat next to dare devil dennis – turn off the bike now there’s a good lad”


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