The reasons I left my one porn DVD on my desk a week ago is lost in the shrouds of time. Let’s not go into my absolute inability to cover my tracks and be secretive – the same inability that makes me;
- Lend my laptop with all my passwords in it to a jealous (and now ex-)boyfriend
- Pause and stutter at vital moments when I should be fluidly lying
- Get phone calls from friends asking “did you wank in a sock and leave it on my desk?” (The answer? I don’t think so, but I can’t say for sure)
Anyway, the point is, that my porn was on my desk, and I’m just oblivious to things like that, apart from occasionally looking at the cover and going “phwoar” and “whaaaap”.
We’re all moving house soon, so the letting agents have been showing people around the house. Because they’re absolute fuckers, sometimes they don’t give any notice. On Thursday, my flatmate let them in and told them to have a look around. Because he’s a fucker, too.
So they found me in my T-Shirt, pants, listening to some fucking J-Pop nonsense I’ve just been sent from a friend, with a hugely conspicuous porn DVD sitting next to a bottle of red wine on my desk. Like I’m having a romantic evening in with my porn, in my pants. I wasn’t even thinking of having a wank, the porn was just there. But my eyes, looking shiftily from the people walking around my room, to my porn, to my 90% naked legs, told a very different story.
So, when you’re as naturally indiscreet as I am, you need a little bit of help when it comes to hiding things like porn. And here it is – simply cut it out and slip it in your DVD cover. The oldest trick in the book – we’re talking Dennis the Menace era wheezes.
[click for large version]
There you go – no-one’ll think I’m wanking over THAT.
Our printer doesn’t print yellow – if your
printer works better, this won’t look so shit.
Next week, I’ll be painting a massive string of love eggs to look like innocent Star Wars memorabilia.
The problem you’re going to have is people asking if they can borrow your Time Pirate 1988 DVD. Lady pirates, Godzillas, viruses, aliens and Transformer car castles… it’s got everything a good film should have.
I suggest putting ‘starring Chesney Hawkes’ on the front.
Guest: “Hey, can I bor… oh, it’s got the one and only man in it. I don’t like hairy brown tumours. I’ll give it a miss.”
Hmm…
Problem is, Chesney was on the cover of the porn DVD anyway. Log likes a bit of melanoma play.
I would like to gnaw at Culkin’s carbuncle. Not enough to make it bleed, or rip it off. Just apply enough pressure with my teeth to feel it change shape, and for long enough that I can’t carry on for puking. That’s my ideal starfuck, is that.
I always quite fancied pushing my fingers into Thora Hird’s bed sores…
I’ve got photos of bedsores in this Wound Management book. They’re amazing. You wouldn’t think you could scoop out so much dead matter from a human’s buttock.
After Thora carked it, I’ll bet the coroner had a hell of a time beating off the queue of men waiting to sniff her stairlift.
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Dear Log,
Speaking of life’s little disappointments, how I wish my sperms would shoot out instead of dribble. I reckon I’m in the market for let’s say about 500 percent more by volume. Do you think I could have a lend of your pirate time travel movie because I hear it’s full of this kind of thing?