I Have Shit Dreams

Ten Shit Dreams I Have Had

  1. I was eating a bag of crisps. They were KP Skips, and they were well-seasoned and delicious. As the last crisp melted onto my tongue, I woke up.

  2. I went to a bar that sold numbers. I asked for two nines and a seven plus three. The barman rolled his eyes, and asked me if I didn’t just want a ten. I said no, it tastes different. He reluctantly went to serve me my numbers. Before he produced the drinks, I woke up.

  3. I bought an Xbox 360 for 360 Euros – there was a promotion on, you see. I lay on my stomach in the shop for a while, and played a game where you jumped up and down. There were children watching me, because I was jumping so well. I bought the console, and took it home. My flatmates had sold the television and the front froom only had two walls, so I had to jump in real life instead. Then I woke up.

  4. My mother left a huge pile of fire in the kitchen. She told me that she was going away, and that I had to wash the fire by the time she got back. I had to get the fire so clean that she could see her face in it. I said something sassy about “I wish I could see your face in it”. Then I put some fire into the washing machine, sat down, and watched it flumble around until I woke up.

  5. A man was selling me his house, but he was only selling it to me so he could snipe me from a nearby hill. His wife, knew about his plan and fell in love with me. She tried to discourage me from buying the house. I fell in love with her, too, but bought the house anyway. When I was moving in, she rushed in to warn me, and got shot by the bullet that was meant for me. The man said sorry and I woke up.

  6. I made friends with the Boy from Mars. He could do all kinds of magic stuff – anything I asked, he could do. I asked him if he wanted to tie elastic around some dirty knickers and dangle them off a balcony. He said yes, and we dangled dirty knickers off the balcony until I woke up.

  7. The next night, I had the same dream. But because it was a proper follow-on, the dream began with the caption – “The Boy From Mars : Part Two” – before we tied elastic around knickers and dangled them off the balcony.

  8. I was in a pub, and there was a tin of Spaghetti Bolognese on the counter. I was a child. I looked into the tin, and it went “blop”, and a bit landed on the counter. I looked out of the window, and a picture of my bedroom ceiling fell on top of my face. Then I realised that I had my eyes open, and had woken up.

  9. I was at a party, and I suddenly realised it was a dream, so I got bored. Lucid dreams should be great – do what you like, have magic, and stuff. Instead, I just went around asking everyone to pinch me, so I could wake up. Everyone said “Don’t wake up, we’re having fun!” so I sat on the stairs and sulked until I woke up naturally. It could have been the best party ever, if I’d said “OK then everyone form a bum train”, but I was too busy sulking on the stairs for infinite anal madness.

  10. I am on one side of the world, and everyone else is on the other side. Then an earthquake splits the earth in two. I am left, sailing through space, on the clumsiest and least original metaphor for fear of loneliness there has ever been. The unworthiness of the imagery is heartbreaking.

2 thoughts on “I Have Shit Dreams”

  1. i often dream that i am sharing a picnic with my boss at work. It’s a sumptuous day, birds, leaves clouds etc. we both contribute to the picnic, and my contributions are, without fail, SLIGHTLY better than his. HIs bread is a little stale, mine is as crusty as a new-born mother. My sausage rolls are freshly baked, his pate is somewhat ‘obvious’. my bordeaux is ‘heroic’ and ’emphatic’, his is ‘tinged with regret’ and ‘geographically offensive’.
    I then have a dream that i tell him about this dream. He chuckles knowingly, and at this point i become confused. But then i have a dream that i tell him that i’ve told him about this dream, and at this point i become so overwhelmed with confuddlement that i fall over. In real life. From my [naturally] horizontal sleeping position.
    the morale of this story, perhaps slightly bizarrely, is to keep your head still, a high elbow, a straight bat with subsequent follow through, and we want to see that maker’s name.


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