Brenda, the lady who sits opposite me at work, and a woman whom I despise with a kind of joyful clench, has just walked in at 9:53. This is pretty late, by all accounts, so from observing her habits, I know she’s going to shout really loud about some outrageous fucking lie to justify this one…
Sure enough, ten minutes later, I’m sitting through her sixth retelling of the story about how her fridge freezer packed in, and has flooded her kitchen. Her husband is at home, up to his knees in towels! And she’d gotten up especially early, because she wanted to be here at eight, to start attacking her huge workload, too. How cruel life is!
This certainly is proportionately more elaborate than the time she was 15 minutes late, when the reason was simply the longest traffic jam in the world. That was also on a day you were planning to get in early, wasn’t it? The fates must really conspire against you, you brown-spouting fuck.
I smile, with the fake placidity of furiously paddling duck, and stifle my natural response. “I no more want to hear your dreary fucking lies than I want to slide toothpicks into my eardrums, you stupid, withered slice of meaningless bitch pie.”
Edit : I just took a photo of her. Please feel utterly free to print this out, roll it up, slide it into your arsehole and shit through it. In fact, if anyone were to send me a picture of themselves desecrating this picture, I would send them real presents through the post. Go on, piss on her. Piss on her face. Please.
Tonight I’ll be making a new Firestarter and Waterboy cartoon, so hang around for an entry that isn’t me swearing at women.
The trick with these people is to be kind. So, so kind. You hear all the details about their problem, and then more. More details. You even have a friend who knows about freezers and lives nearby. You’ll give him a call – he’ll pop round.
The aim of the game is to get the object so flustered as the tissue of lies is dissolved by the snot of illplanning that a blood vessel bursts in her brain and she is left with out the use of half her limbs.
SL
Also fun is to superglue her phone handset to the base. Then dial her phone, and when she picks it up the base will come with it and smash into her useless face.
SL
And then there’s the timeless gag where you tell her a really sad story about puppies being mangled that makes her cry, and then you hand her a tissue coated in fucking chilli powder.
SL
Thank you for caring as much as I do. I have printed out five copies of that picture – when I find interesting ways to destroy her face, they’ll be here.
Of course I care. I AM Brenda. I’m sitting here now, watching you. Watching, and waiting. Waiting, and planning…
Brenda looks like she could bite a man’s head clean off. I’d be servile if I were you.
Is there any chance you can make a plaster of paris death-mask of her face, without her noticing? You’d have to be quick, pretend to bump into her or something?
Think of the novelty jellies! You could eat her face. Imagine it. Go on.