Brenda, the lady who sits opposite me at work, and a woman whom I despise with a kind of joyful clench, has just walked in at 9:53. This is pretty late, by all accounts, so from observing her habits, I know she’s going to shout really loud about some outrageous fucking lie to justify this one…
Sure enough, ten minutes later, I’m sitting through her sixth retelling of the story about how her fridge freezer packed in, and has flooded her kitchen. Her husband is at home, up to his knees in towels! And she’d gotten up especially early, because she wanted to be here at eight, to start attacking her huge workload, too. How cruel life is!
This certainly is proportionately more elaborate than the time she was 15 minutes late, when the reason was simply the longest traffic jam in the world. That was also on a day you were planning to get in early, wasn’t it? The fates must really conspire against you, you brown-spouting fuck.
I smile, with the fake placidity of furiously paddling duck, and stifle my natural response. “I no more want to hear your dreary fucking lies than I want to slide toothpicks into my eardrums, you stupid, withered slice of meaningless bitch pie.”
Edit : I just took a photo of her. Please feel utterly free to print this out, roll it up, slide it into your arsehole and shit through it. In fact, if anyone were to send me a picture of themselves desecrating this picture, I would send them real presents through the post. Go on, piss on her. Piss on her face. Please.
Tonight I’ll be making a new Firestarter and Waterboy cartoon, so hang around for an entry that isn’t me swearing at women.