Log Google Spreadsheets = five minutes of excitement, inviting friends to collaborate, and watching cool stuff appear IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. It’s like two-dimensional MSN, if you can even begin to imagine that. Without further ado, here is the menu to My Ideal Whorehouse. SEX ACT PRICE DETAILS Anal Contact (Brisk) £22 Bring your own … Read more
After seeing Richard Dawkins tell a Christian that he was misguided – I believe the full quote was “you, sir, are a colossally misguided patch of cuntslosh” – I realised that I wasn’t doing my bit for athiesm. I should be out there, telling Christians that they’re utterly ridiculous and probably evil. I should be … Read more
Last year, I decided to learn about the arse-side of the internet. God, it could have been two years. Time speeds up when you get older! Doesn’t it! It seems like only last week when I would sit down and slide down the stairs, enjoying the impact of carpetted stair against my coccyx. In case … Read more
I just did an interview with Hecklerspray about The Law of the Playground. It was an email interview, so I got a chance to be semi-coherent, and didn’t go “ha ha, yes” when they said something I didn’t understand. In case you fancy reading what they asked and I replied, here are the questions they … Read more
One of the best pages to write in PC Zone – the magazine I write for, and in case you didn’t know, the magazine that pipes a square one into the face of PC Gamer, which licks its lips and looks thankful – is the Meet The Team page. I get to write 35 words … Read more
Now I’ve established Francis Gilbert as the nation’s most despicable curmudgeonly bore, I’d like to show you the first two entries on his blog. This is the man who is attempting to found a doomsaying empire around the fact that he got hit on the head by some children once, when he was on the … Read more
A year ago, they said they were going to show the Law of the Playground on the television. I had my mum propped up on a broomhandle in front of the telly, with utterly clear instructions that she wasn’t to move a muscle. My cousin’s daughters had told people in school, basking in the tertiary … Read more
TWO REASONS FOR FEELING OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE OF EVERYTHING ONE : BRILLIANT GRAFFITI The artists here had several intentions; trumpeting the need to reproduce, the exposure of sexual politeness as modern social lie, the phonetic truth behind middle-class notions of spelling. But most importantly of all, they drew a suspiciously large bubble for the … Read more
Hello, The Police. I realise it’s hard being a The Policeman, so I’m taking time out to help you with your enquiries. 1. HOW TO CATCH MURDERERS Alton Towers haven’t used their Cine 360 since 1985, so let’s use it to fool killers into confessing. First, send every suspected murderer an invitation to a special … Read more
Welcome back to the crazy world of Triangle and Square. And when I say crazy, I mean that guy from Airplane who says “Rapunzel! Rapunzel!” crazy. IE DAMN CRAZY. The Triangle & Square Show is the thing that my mate Simon from Mediapill puts ten tons of effort into, and I get to put on … Read more