Words – people say they’re “old-fashioned” and “what’s with the words, grandpa” – but I would reply “you just used words then didn’t you” and they’d go “oo what a valuable lesson”.
Gambling is brilliant. Whether you win twenty pee on watching a horse run, or six pounds on whether a drunk dog will bite your newborn child, gambling is exciting, profitable, and best of all, it’s erecting an fizzing neon YA BOO NOBBER and pointing it at God. God doesn’t like gambling, apart from a £2 … Read more
I was born in 1974. To celebrate, McDonalds opened their first UK branch in South London, and Mohammed Ali beat George Foreman. I later told Mohammed Ali I would have preferred it if George Foreman had won that fight, and he developed brain damage by way of apology. Sadly, Britain was so taken with my … Read more
Video Week has been cut short! Why’s that? I’ll tell you for whys! I got really, really, distracted. A) I was chatting to loads of people on MSN Messenger and they were all like “come on join the party” and I came back with “you better get this party started cos I’m the kinda guy … Read more
I took the kids to this town in Surrey last week.
Feltham?
No, the wife was there.
I was dressed up. And when you is dressed up, you do not walk like some abused housewife bitch with your body in some dowdy-ass slump. I am a proud creature, I am fierce. People look at me and they say Damn, that bitch is everything I aspire to be! Well dream on, motherfuckers, because … Read more
Should The Crystal Maze get recommissioned, another generation of highly-energised young executives will have to face up to an agonising question; should I buy my eager but proven-stupid friend out of their themed prison at the cost of one crystal? Too often do we let our unreliable emotions make this decision – look at that … Read more
I’m hungover, today. Properly hungover. And when I get this hungover, I get very emotional. So far this morning, I’ve cried at a story about homeless AIDS beagles, and made myself giggle on a bus by making my coffee lid do a whistle. The last time I was this drunkover, I spent all morning writing … Read more
Since they locked the students out, it’s rare for the toilets at work to have anyone in them. I’m working in administration, which means an office full of women and one fat gay bloke. While this means I do have to put up with the monstrous Brenda, it does give me free reign to express … Read more
Unthinking Space Fillers
Coming soon! Real life Firestarter and Waterboy action reality adventures inside an actual real life creepy cave in real life! (The reason I didn’t get this finished last night is because I got embarrassed doing the voices in my room, while my flatmates were watching a film next door. So I just went in and … Read more