Monkey Mania… Forever!

What could be more fun than a visit to the Zoo? All of life’s creation, spread out like a sharing platter! And once you’re in the zoo, nothing’s better than monkeys – our closest brothers in Darwin’s Tree Of How’s Your Father. Gird yourself, monkey sisters – you and me are going to have some … Read more

I See You're Shitter, With Anticipation

I cry at things. Not real things so much, unless it occurs to me that I’m being watched by an audience, who might think I’m a monster if I don’t cry. But show me a single scene of pathos which has nothing to do with me, and I’m off. I cried at 7, when Metal … Read more

PC Zone Is Alive

I think this is a goer, all we have to do is share all the old writers on Google Docs, and away you go I reckon I should get paid £200 or something for this

Live Leggera Or Die Trying

Pizza Express have just introduced Pizzas with holes in the middle. It’s a thrilling time for pizza lovers everywhere – and I know I’m a pizza lover, because Pizza Hut keep sending me these. When you or I first see one of these Leggera pizzas, we think one of these two things: 1) I wonder what … Read more

21 Dates In 7 Days: Day 1

Hi again! I’m Jennifer Tolstoy and I’m a qualified plumber working mainly for Magnet Kitchens! Not really, but you’d be AMAZED how many people let you look in their kitchen drawers when you say that, and you’d be even MORE amazed at the kind of things I find! It’s not always genuine Damien Hirsts – … Read more

There's A Perfectly Reasonable Explanation

GUESS THE PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATION 1) We are undercover in a honey-trap sting operation, or something else to do with bees and paedophiles. 2) We are looking for our adopted son in a thrilling multi-part episode of Two And A Half Dads 3) We were trying to recapture a lost sense of youth (an experiment … Read more

Wooftard Rendezvous

I’ve just been to Burger King. I ordered the Cheezy Bites, because I’m something of an explorer. There was something about the Mini-Angus Burger from the kids menu that stank of pedestrianism, and I fancied something a little more… recherché. My hopes have rarely been higher, so you can imagine my disgust when I unfolded my … Read more

Happy Birthday Steve

Steve: do you think cockatiels enjoy singing like we enjoy singing Log: I wonder if they’re trying to impress us into having sex with them. I thought that’s what birdsong was all about. Or territory. Perhaps they’re telling us to get out Steve: well, when we sing we are trying to impress people on to … Read more

Boxing Helena & Eating Raoul

To some people, the 80s were all about the rivalry between  Duran Duran and Wham! People talk of the playground being divided by a huge tennis net, and long lunch hours spent with their faces pressed against the mesh, their snarling maws hungry for the flesh of the enemy. Geography lessons dominated by the constant … Read more

Hanky Code: July 2009 Update

So we all know about the basic Hanky Code, right? It’s the failsafe method that gay men use to find a husband. If you’re straight, here’s is how it works: 1. Choose the colour that represents the thing you like. 2. If you like doing it, but the hanky in your back left pocket. If … Read more