Ladybirds are the kindest of all the insects. They are not the mandible-clacking monsters that museum curators keep as pets. They’re gentle, they never forget birthdays, and if you look stressed, a ladybird will play a set of ladybird-sized pan pipes until your cares evaporate, like milk. Why are ladybirds adorable? I shouldn’t have to … Read more
I just found the best email I have ever written in a professional capacity. Do you want to read a bit of it? I fucking know you do. I broke it down like this, because there’s only so many times I can watch things eating shit while talking to myself in a shouty German accent… … Read more
SCENE ONE: CARDIFF GWEN Hello Jack, I found this in a spaceship. It has made my tits huge. JACK Watch out, it’s got monsters in it! THEY FUCK UNTIL GWEN GLOWS GWEN WHAT IS HAPPENING MY TITS ARE HATCHING JACK I’m just that good, baby. [he smokes a cigarette which also hatches] SCENE TWO : … Read more
Welcome to my website. You’ve probably arrived here from Google – where this post has managed to get onto the front page for a search for “cock pics”. I imagine this isn’t the first place you’ve looked for cock pics, so please – take a break from your cock pic hunt and post a short … Read more
Q. I RECKON I WANT TO BE A GAMES JOURNALIST A. And who can blame you? Being a Games Journalist is the finest thing the human soul can aspire to, but I’ll warn you right now; demand is so high that you are going to have to “get in the fucking queue”. The responsibilities are … Read more
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Google Spreadsheets = five minutes of excitement, inviting friends to collaborate, and watching cool stuff appear IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. It’s like two-dimensional MSN, if you can even begin to imagine that. Without further ado, here is the menu to My Ideal Whorehouse. SEX ACT PRICE DETAILS Anal Contact (Brisk) £22 Bring your own … Read more
After seeing Richard Dawkins tell a Christian that he was misguided – I believe the full quote was “you, sir, are a colossally misguided patch of cuntslosh” – I realised that I wasn’t doing my bit for athiesm. I should be out there, telling Christians that they’re utterly ridiculous and probably evil. I should be … Read more
Last year, I decided to learn about the arse-side of the internet. God, it could have been two years. Time speeds up when you get older! Doesn’t it! It seems like only last week when I would sit down and slide down the stairs, enjoying the impact of carpetted stair against my coccyx. In case … Read more
I just did an interview with Hecklerspray about The Law of the Playground. It was an email interview, so I got a chance to be semi-coherent, and didn’t go “ha ha, yes” when they said something I didn’t understand. In case you fancy reading what they asked and I replied, here are the questions they … Read more