When you've got a website quite as poor and marginally offensive as this one, what sort of things to people write to you? Really? Cor. But don't take my word for it... here is some of it.

This first one is from a man who seemed to send this letter to himself. I don't know how I got it, but I am glad I did. I am always amazed at the big-heartedness of men who offer me financial advice, or are willing to sell me ways of spying on my partner.

From : 3u2jiyrk11@4cnet.4c.com.kw
To : 3u2jiyrk11@4cnet.4c.com.kw
Subject : Controversial Marketing Tools That Work!

My name is Paul Willis and I am one of the few who have managed to make a very comfortable living marketing products on the Internet. My methods and techniques have been quoted in magazines and newspaper articles. I have marketed everything on the Internet from Personalized Baby Calendars to Information and have made money with everything.

Paul goes on at some considerable length, which is very kind of him to say we'd never met. I replied to him to say thank you, and to ask him out for a drink, but sadly he must have died of cancer because I got nothing back. This is a shame - people I email are always dying of cancer.

Then there's the hate mail; I love getting hate mail. There's no feeling quite as fulfilling as anger and outrage, and when two people deliberately set out to offend each other, it's only a matter of time before you fall in love. Like so.

From : Julie Paterson <julie@owta.net>
To : log@dial.pipex.com

It's my job to scan websites like yours, so I get paid for it, whereas you actually create these websites out of pure lack of the unknown and immaturity and all you achieve is a quick giggle at someone elses expense. Maybe it was the way you were brought up, a scorned child with parents who just weren't interested in you. I can understand their anquish. They just couldn't be bothered and you could never do any thing right. What a sad life you must lead. I bet they're really proud of you now...or are they dead? Lets hope they are for your sake.

See you in hell Log...nice name...think that one up yourself?...Hey - don't be depressed just top yourself...it's easier! Don't bother responding until you reach puberty Log.

Well, that wasn't very nice, but after I sent her a quick note back telling her to stick a Volvo up her cunt, she climbed onto my lap and started purring like a motorbike. Telling me I've got a lack of the unknown indeed! I've got loads of the unknown. I think - you can never be sure with the unknown.

Here's a letter I sent to myself. Why I did this, I cannot remember. I must have been drunk and at someone else's house. It's pathetic how many email addresses you pick up in this life. You can also contact me on bigwetvaginal@douche.co.uk. I'm fucking lethal with a credit card when I'm drunk, I am. Harry Potter books everywhere.

From : disappointmentdotcom@hotmail.com
Cc : disappointment@ntlworld.com
Subject : You are lovely

This should be sung to the tune of a Western theme, maybe Bonanza but I can't remember.

Clotting
Blood is clotting
So is Devonshire cream
In my experience
These are the only things that clot
Clot-clot-clot. Clot clot clot clot-clot-clot.

I sometimes send myself emails to get something worth reading. For instance, this email that I'm going to pretend I received was just awful! I felt so bad!

From : David Talbot
To : log@dial.pipex.com
Subject : Broken Me

Hello there I'm really gutted you've found someone else and are really happy. I was going to ask you out again, because I realised I'd made a terrible mistake but then I thought that I didn't deserve you. I'm really unhappy. Life is like black & white without you in it.

Oh, dear! Poor David! Actually, poor me if my boyfriend finds out I've been making up fantasy emails from my ex... only joking, Waring. You know I love you. Yes, you do. Don't you. Yes. You do. Mostly.

Oh, that's it. I'm really twatted now.

I love you bags aplenty, Mr Hayes.