BEST SEMI-PORNOGRAPHICAL IMAGE
Fat Ladies Sharing Chips
This is a fine piece of near pornography. There's something really nice about it - these two girls don't just have sex, they feed each other chips, from whence they derive the energy to have sex, then go and get more chips. It's a beautiful cycle of life.

From www.steakandcheese.com, which is apparently quite a famous site.

BEST WEBSITE FOR SHAMEFUL JOY

It's always amusing when the pet of a good friend dies. But it is best not to laugh and go - "Ha ha, I'm glad". Instead, go here and laugh as much as you like. This page, in particular, is good - the metaphor of a Rainbow Bridge, where all pets go when they die, is very soothing. However, it does not cover the concept of Pet Hell, where parrots who swear, or say "show us your knickers!" go. I would respectfully offer the "geysers of hot shite" metaphor.

WORST BOOK EVER, REALLY, I MEAN IT
Before And After : Matthew Thomas
"This is the way the world ends....
Not with a bang but a baaaaaaaaaaaaaooom."

This was shit - but it took me longer than I thought to explain just how shit. Here.

BEST USE OF HASSELHOFF

Hasselhoff is terribly difficult to ridicule, because you can never tell if he is serious or not. I am never confident enough to say "I dislike Hasselhoff so much, that I am going to stab him". So this page made me happy - it's an entirely commendable use of Hasselhoff.

He's very popular in Germany; he danced on the Berlin wall, just after it fell down! I'd get really told off for doing something like that - it just sounds dangerous!

WORST ATTEMPT AT SINCERITY

"Only real questions please, this is not a joke."

If you think my treatment of Joey Deacon is wrong, then try this site. Here's someone far more imaginative and dedicated to sustained funpoking at the differently abled.

BEST WAYS TO RENDER BREASTS UNAROUSING

If you like breasts, then the chances are you don't like surprised looking wizards with long grey beards. So, if you're in a position where having an erection is inappropriate (trying to brake before car falls off a cliff) or just plain wrong (during a shift as a lifeguard at a children's swimming session), then you only need to imagine a pair of eyebrows and a nose, and breasts are suddenly unarousing at best, and if fact can be slightly disturbing.

A close second best way to render breasts unarousing is to isolate them from their context. For example, cut them off and hurl them into the sky during an eclipse.

BEST SITE FOR POTENTIAL HAWKINS BLACKMAIL
AND CONSEQUENT WORLD DOMINATION

This arrived in my mailbox - realaudio version - and I was addled but happy. However, when I was told that there is a site where you can make Stephen Hawkins say anything, I immediately hatched a Penguin-style scheme of discrediting Hawkins with embarrassing pop-science and bigotry. Then, I shall take his place, and work together with a corrupt evangelist to feign miraculous walking, and South Carolina will be ours.

First I will make him say, then . Science and religion will be mine, and I shall rule the world! A bit.

(I know the quality's not very good, but when you're going from 130k to 6k you don't complain about a couple of clicks.)

This page 50% constructed from the emails of Scott Williams, who spends far too much time going to strange and shit places on the internet. His other suggestions include here, here, here, and here.