Men! Tchoch! Get Me Started!

Men! What a bunch of fuckers we are. We sit there, in our armchairs (armthrones, more like), drinking malt whiskies and thumping our fists on the table until boiled hams fly into our mouths, as if by magic.
Only it’s not magic, is it girls? No! It’s your tireless work that keeps the whisky flowing, and the boiled hams flying. You plump our cushions, you save us from bumblebees and you tempt tapeworms out of our bottoms with Mars Bars then hit them over the head with a hammer. Without you, ladies, we would roll around on our backs, unable to correct ourselves.
And do you ever receive thanks? No! You’re lucky if we don’t beat you senseless when our football teams lose, and you have to steal affection from our loveless husks while we are drunk, or asleep. Tits got the raw deal, here!
But no more. This book will change everything.

Things To Do With A Useless Man

Here’s a few of the pages. I hope you enjoy them as much as the users of Amazon.Com, who said “I bought this book for my girlfriend and we both found it hysterical.” Another reader promised “PREPARE TO LAUGH”. Are you ready? Are you ready to laugh?

Do The Washing Up

Whoo! Whoo! Do the washing up, bitch! (audience screams) Those pots is dirty! And you know for why? ‘Cos I ain’t washed ’em! What do you think of that, huh? Upset your little applecart, has it? Has your phallocentric world been consumed by a giant vagina? You don’t know what to say, do you? Well here’s a clue, useless – say nothing and do the fuckin’ washing up!
Girls 1 – Useless Men 0

Stamp Licking

Lick my own stamps? Maybe when I was single – but not now I’ve got a man! He’s absolutely useless in every other respect – especially “down there”, you know what I’m saying, girls. So why shouldn’t I get my stamps licked? I don’t be gettin’ nothin’ else licked, you know what I’m saying! Yeah, you know. You do know, don’t you? I mean my… yeah, you know. Pussy.
Girls 2 – Useless Men 0

Desk Tidy

You know what I hate about men most? It’s their big, raping penises. If I could cut off every man’s dick and throw them into a volcano, I would. But my man – he’s so useless, he couldn’t rape his way out of a paper bag. So his penis is more of a little punchline to a joke nobody heard. So I just use it as a spike to keep my bills on. His dick’s wider than a regular spike (not much though, you know what I’m saying, girls), so he sometimes has to piss his way through a receipt.
You’ll notice he’s erect in this picture. That’s because I’ve told him that if he goes soft I will shit in his eyes and take off his balls with a pizza wheel. MEN!
Girls 3 – Useless Men 0


No, actually, forget about using his penis to spike receipts and invoices. That’s not painful enough. We should stick their dicks in the ground (like he’s raped Mother Earth his whole life, right?) and use their damned hate-sticks to plough a field. That’s all them dicks is good for – sex? Don’t make me laugh emptily. There ain’t no place he can touch with that dick that I can’t reach twice over with Plastic Frank. You know what I’m saying. It’s a dildo. Not this guy.
Girls 4 – Useless Men 0

Funny Noises

I hate men so much! They’re so useless! Arrrgh! Look at them! I hate them all! They can’t even do milk! All they do is spunk all over the curtains and piss in the umbrella stand! And guess who has to clean up the spunk? And siphon out the piss with a straw? I’ll tell you what it makes me want to do. I want to grab that pissing, spunking dick of his and spin him around by it. Just to hear his screams. Just to hear his fucking screams.
Scream, you useless fuckers.

3 thoughts on “Men! Tchoch! Get Me Started!”

  1. well do you know, log, after playing at a local ukelayle open mic night, i was rewarded with ‘101 things to do with a dead cat’. well who would have thought how similar men are to dead cats?
    desk tidy!
    a bike stand!
    a plough!
    a use for their tongue!
    i thus propose the novelty gift book of this christmas: ‘101 things to do with a novelty gift book’. it would be selling out, hard and fast and successfully. think of all the people who’d buy it ironically, ‘because, you know, those novelty books really are shit aren’t they!’


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